A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

The End.

Here's something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads.



Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to OLD friends right away there will be fewer people laughing in the world.



AMA Notice

American Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken
blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay

Just thought you'd like to know.


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Murphy staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'



Subject: KIDS ARE QUICK . . .


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Patricia, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Dwight, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
DWIGHT: A teacher.


A stunning senior moment...

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen next to him why it's impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

''You grew up in a different world, almost a primitive one'', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

''The young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing and more.''

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing...


The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich,
they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's
insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and
their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them
to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen
and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite
clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.

This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,'
Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every
imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts,
free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you
to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,'
he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you
like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.
We could have been here ten years ago!'


Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she
said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.

'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'



A new Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it, 'Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.


An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is 200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.



Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'


A young man called Dave from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,


P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.




It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?



A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'


'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...





Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:

'Paddy will you please draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future ?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'

'Silly buggers ! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday. !!'



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!'


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.



A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall to the Taliban and is not pleased to find women must walk 5 paces behind the men.

A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk 5 paces being women.

She asked the interpreter 'what brought about the change ?'

He replied 'land mines!'


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£290,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
back on the market. They're asking £2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
£150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'



If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year
ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

Now that sounds like good advice?


Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'


'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'


'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'


Have a go at this one.
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive',
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: * 370H-SSV-0773H*
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.
Eventually they asked the Mossad for help. Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'


The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired.'

(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)



Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

'Oh, No, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes', the man

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position still clasping his
hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away

and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'



(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.



Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely
horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and
even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that
nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is
playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'


21 July 2008 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, he just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Saturday 21 July

Australia lost the rugby.


Got a root though.



Must read with the accent!!!


There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem of?' the other two asked?

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear no panties........

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first.'




A policeman with a beard gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:

"Can we have s*x ?"
"No,' she replies, 'I'm married to God.'

She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the policeman with a beard and says :
'I can tell you how to get to have s*x with her !'
' Yeah ?', says the policeman with a beard.
' Yeah', say the bus driver. 'She goes to the cemetery every
Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous
powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God'

The policeman with a beard decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

'I am God,' he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, 'You must have s*x with me'

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal s*x, as she is desperate not to lose her

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

Ha-ha!,' he cries. 'I am the policeman with a beard"

Ha-ha!,' cries the nun. 'I am the bus driver '



The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's

9: You may f
art in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox
360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on
the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'



Subject: Two Kiwis

Two Kiwis, Murray and Bruce are walking down a street in Bondi. Murray
happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that
catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00
per pair'

Murray says to his pal, ' Bruce, look! We could buy a whole lot of those,
and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all
the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to
us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Bruce, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Murray says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each,
100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up
my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand ,
aren't you?'

'Well... yis,' says a surprised Murray. 'How the hill dud you
know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.



One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So he asked his super hero
friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
'Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?'

'Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in
Why don't you try her?' replied Batman

'I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don't really want to take advantage of her.'

'Damn shame.' said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a City when he saw the
Green Lantern.
'Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging
who's the best babe in Comicland?'

'Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the
best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?'

'Well, we're sort of friends,' Superman said, 'but I didn't
realize she
had gotten around so much.' and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder
Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her Legs apart.

Superman was tempted. He Thought to himself, 'I'm faster than a
Bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here.'
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and Gone. Wonder Woman
stared up into the sky with a Dazed ___expression. 'What the hell was
that??' she exclaimed.

'I don't know,' said the Invisible Man as he Rolled off, 'but my ass is killing me.'


> When you rearrange the letters:
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> DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
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This is unbelievable:

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
600 employees and has the following employee statistics .

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this ?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest
of us inline.

What a bunch of b*****ds we have running our country - it says it
all. And just to top all that they probably have the
best 'corporate' pension scheme in the
If you agree that this is an appalling state of affairs, please
pass it on to everyone you know. It's time to stand up to this lot



Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it



A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are p
* ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'


Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy.......but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.....

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'



Why we love children

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'




He got what he deserved....

Subject: Supportive husbands

News paper article.....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.



Subject: Medicine
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him
> looking for work in six weeks.'
> A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work
> in four weeks.'
> A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them
> both looking for work in two weeks.'
> The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half
> the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

Another new illness to watch out for

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my ass coming into work today'



This is so true! - They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.



Evolution of British maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of £20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟



Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers , or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now on..... get used to the World Cup.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese



Well, now you know what to do in the supermarket if you are a little bored..

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she
loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Tescos.
Dear Mrs. Woodward,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Woodward are listed
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras..
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to
put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
9. September 4: Looked right into the security
camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced
his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through, yelled
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
And last, but not least.
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in




A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience ?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today ?" The Aussie said "One !" The manager groaned and continued, "Just one ? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for ?" The Aussie Answered "£124,237.64. pounds" The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237:64 POUNDS !! What the hell did you sell him ?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4 ?
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."


Scouse vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.''Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.


In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.



Subject: Estate planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die,and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Just My Luck . . . . . .

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK
for a 59-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, then she asked if I'd
ever Had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".

I Went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake"


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,
with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice,
but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said
that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't,
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.

your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home :)


Subject: FW: Foreplay...Reallly Cute...

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.



I caught this virus and is not FUN!!!
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else
via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe
out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave

the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase
one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly
until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you
do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.



An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.


These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
but, boy, are they funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
[these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document·'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in elephant poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'


1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [Ouch!]



Subject: Irish joke

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute....'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.'

'OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,
the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera and ... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!'


In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said,

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. .........They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,''said the Lord.
'The British government beat me to it.'



Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:
Beer Demo



A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


Subject: Council Tax

Council tax revaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay but he's got one child with another on the way.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
"Who'd want to live near Windsor Castle?"



Driving to the office this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Bloody Women Drivers!!!!!!!



Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black ......
were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ....
the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?

"Gonna cut my nuts off," replied the brown lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I dig up carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug
a great big hole In my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I
want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out
of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes -- and I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, cheerfully, "Hell no, I'm here to get my nails clipped


> > A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK , made up of Afghans, > Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, > Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were > asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro. > 99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.


> > A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. > > When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. > > He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it'. > > The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. > > He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?' > > Of course the Madam said no. > > He said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber, THAT'S the girl I want'. > > Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. > > He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. > > Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. > > The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?' > > He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. > > After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught. > > When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. > > Then, when Dad gets home, Mum, will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the bastard I want to get .............. coz he ran over my FROG!'


Subject: Speeding Ticket

Absolutely brilliant. I hope that this is a true story

Top this for a speeding ticket...

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 550 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Good Day..."



‘Mom, why are wedding dresses white?’ The mother looks at her son and replies,

‘Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’


> > Subject: FW: A heart-warming tale to brighten your day
> >
> >
> >
> > This is a quick story about the bond formed
> > between a little girl and a
> > group of building workers. It's
> > allegedly true and
> > makes you want to
> > believe in the goodness of people
> > and that there
> > is hope for the human
> > race.
> >
> > A young family moved into a house
> > next door to a
> > vacant building plot.
> >
> > One day Joe, Steve and a gang of
> > building workers
> > turned up to start
> > building a house on the empty plot.
> >
> > The young family's 5-year-old
> > daughter naturally
> > took an interest in the
> > workers. She hung around and eventually the
> > builders, all with hearts of
> > gold, more or less adopted the
> > little girl as a
> > sort of project mascot.
> > They chatted with her, let her sit
> > with them while
> > they had tea and
> > lunch breaks, and gave her little
> > jobs to do here
> > and there to make her
> > feel important.
> >
> > They even gave her, her very own hard hat and
> > gloves.
> >
> > At the end of the first week they
> > presented her
> > with a pay envelope
> > containing two pounds in 10p coins.
> >
> > The little girl took her 'pay' home
> > to her mother
> > who suggested that
> > they take the money she had received
> > to the bank
> > the next day to start a
> > savings account.
> >
> > When they got to the bank the
> > cashier was tickled
> > pink listening to the
> > little girl telling her about her
> > 'work' on the
> > building site and the
> > fact she had a 'pay packet'.
> >
> > "You must have worked very hard to
> > earn all this",
> > said the bank
> > cashier.
> >
> > The little girl proudly replied, "I
> > worked all
> > last week with the men
> > building a big house."
> >
> > "My goodness gracious," said the
> > cashier, "Will
> > you be working on the
> > house again this week, as well?"
> >
> >
> >
> > The little girl thought for a moment
> > and said...
> > "I think so. Provided
> > those c*nts at Jewsons deliver the
> > f*cking bricks.
> >


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he Fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion.

So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a

26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Howard enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"



Subject: FW: A fairy tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag, and bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.

The End



Subject: The Importance of CONCENTRATION

One to brighten the day

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Definitely not!

Why not -

don't you like being married?

Of course I do.

Then why

wouldn't you remarry?

Okay, I'd

get married again.

You would?

(with a hurtful look on her face).

(makes audible groan).

Would you live

in our house?

Sure, it's a great house.

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Where else would we sleep?

Would you let her drive my car?

Probably, it is almost new

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Would she use my golf clubs?

No, she's left-handed.

- - silence -





A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O' coos Sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."




Little Bernie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Bernie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I Was at the
playground and saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Bernie, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see
the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Bernie to tell his story. Bernie
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing

that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!


Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!



>>>The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an >>>appointment
>>>with the
>>>most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when >>>Paddy
>>>shows up with his solicitor.
>>>The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
>>>full-time employment, which you
>>>explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland
>>>Revenue finds that believable."
>>>"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a
>>>The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
>>>Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
>>>The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
>>>Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
>>>The auditor's jaw drops.
>>>Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my >>>other
>>>The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
>>>Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
>>>The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid,
>>>with Paddy's solicitor as a
>>>witness. He starts to get nervous.
>>>"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six
>>>thousand pound that I can stand on
>>>one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, >>>and
>>>never get a drop anywhere in between."
>>>The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
>>>decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
>>>Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
>>>strains like hell, he can't make the stream
>>>reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
>>>auditor's desk.
>>>The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major >>>loss
>>>into a big win. But Paddy's
>>>solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
>>>"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
>>>"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
>>>been summoned for an audit, he bet
>>>me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and >>>that
>>>you'd be happy about it!"


>Subject: FW: KIWI
>>>An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
>>>village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
>>>He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
>>>"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
>>>Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
>>>Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
>>>Dog: "Doin' all right."
>>>Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
>>>Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
>>>Dog: "Yep"
>>>Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>>>Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
>>>And takes me to the lake once a week to play."
>>>Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
>>>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
>>>Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
>>>Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?
>>>Horse: "Cool"
>>>Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
>>>Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
>>>Horse: "Yep"
>>>Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
>>>Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
>>>down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
>>>Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
>>>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
>>>Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."



Subject: Three Priest and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory,
he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up
and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way
to start."


These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mrs Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, she was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on her!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.



Subject: FW: Ghosts

A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has
anyone ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hands.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

3 students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question ... Have
any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, 'Son, all the years
I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made
love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big Arkansas redneck student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So,
Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said,



Subject: Golfing Truths

1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

9. ?Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
11.It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
13. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

14. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
15. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
16. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
17. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.
18. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
19. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
20. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
21. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

22. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
23. ?To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
24. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
25. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
26. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
27. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
28. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 AM to mow the yard.
29. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

30. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
31. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
32. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

33.That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
34. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
35. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
36. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

37. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
38. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot
an eight (or worse).

39. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
40. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.


Subject: joke

>>>>>Morning sex
>>>>>She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
>>>>>He walked in; She turned and said,
>>>>>You've got to make love to me this very moment."
>>>>>His eyes lit up and he thought,
>>>>>"This is my lucky day."
>>>>>Not wanting to lose the moment,
>>>>>he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen
>>>>>Afterwards she said,
>>>>>"Thanks," and returned to the stove.
>>>>>More than a little puzzled, he asked,
>>>>>"What was that all about?"
>>>>>She explained,
>>>>>"The egg timer's broken."


Subject: joke

>>A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
>>First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge >>fish
>>jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a
>>spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the >>fish
>>by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
>>Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is >>attacked
>>by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a
>>spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says >>to
>>himself, because lions will eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the >>lion
>>He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
>>American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs >>the
>>spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and >>throws
>>them into the lions cage because lions will eat anything.
>>Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another >>lion
>>and says "What's the food like here?"
>>(Wait for it!!)....
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>>The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
>>Mushy bees."


>Subject: : another joke
>The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
>to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a
>disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me? a faithful wife,
>the mother of your children! I'm
>leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
>And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
>"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
>And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
>lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
>out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
>noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
>dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
>compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you
>last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
>weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good
>clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her
>clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
>needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few
>years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her
>the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear
>because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you
>for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those
>boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
>work has a pair like them.."
>He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
>understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
>tears in her eyes and said 'Please. do you have anything else that your wife
>doesn't use?


Subject: Beer

Beer contains female hormones:

Last month, National University of Michigan scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down to urinate.

No further testing was considered necessary.



>>> Mandy lost her husband almost four years ago and
>>> still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is
>>> constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the
>>>world. Finally,
>>> Mandy says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
>>> replies: "Mum, I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an
>>>immediate hit.
>>> They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks
>>>her to join him
>>> for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she
>>>undresses as he does.
>>> There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties,
>>>he in his
>>> birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
>>> replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
>>>explore, but
>>> down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting
>>>lucky that night...
>>> The following night the same scenario. She's standing there
>>>with the black
>>> panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...
>>> Except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and
>>>asks: "What's with this black
>>> condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"



>>>Subject: Frog
>>> >
>>> >>A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
>>> >>
>>> >>She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
>>> >>
>>> >>The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
>>> >>three wishes."
>>> >>
>>> >>The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
>>> >>mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
>>> >>
>>> >>Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
>>> >>
>>> >>The woman said, "That's okay."
>>> >>
>>> >>For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
>>> >>world.
>>> >>
>>> >>The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
>>> >>husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
>>> >>flock to".
>>> >>
>>> >>The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
>>> >>Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
>>> >>
>>> >>So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
>>> >>
>>> >>For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
>>> >>
>>> >>The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
>>> >>And he will be ten times richer than you."
>>> >>
>>> >>The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
>>> >>mine."
>>> >>
>>> >>So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
>>> >>
>>> >>The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
>>> >>mild heart attack."
>>> >>
>>> >>Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
>>> >>
>>> >>Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
>>> >>and continue feeling good.
>>> >>
>>> >>Male readers : Please scroll down..
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>.....
>>> >>.....
>>> >>.....
>>> >>The man had a heart attack ten times milder
>>> >>Than his wife
>>> >>
>>> >>Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>Let them
>>> >>Continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
>>> >>
>>> >>PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
>>> >>that women never listen!!!
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >>Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies
>>> >>have a good sense of humour.

>>> _____



>>>There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone".
>>>So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and
>>>everyone not to call him Onestone.
>>>After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
>>>said, "If
>>>anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
>>>and nobody called him that any more.
>>>Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>>>morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep
>>>into the
>>>forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
>>>to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>>>The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
>>>Years went by and
>>>no one dared call him by his given name until a
>>>named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
>>>many years.
>>>Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
>>>Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>>>Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
>>>to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
>>>the next
>>>day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
>>>What is the moral of this story?????
>>>........................OH, come on...take a guess!
>>>Think about it
>>>(You're going to love this!)
>>>And the moral is...
>>>You can't kill two birds with one stone!


An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq.

The leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."




A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes

over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way

with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge,

hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?"says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you

fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month...............but I fart 15 times a day."



> > A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so
> > he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.,"I am going golfing
> > tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take
> > care
> > of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"
> > "Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
> > The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
> > Paddy, how was your day?
> > Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
> > "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
> > "Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
> > "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Gaviscon
> > "Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
> > doctor.
> > "Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
> > Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything
> > including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading
> > her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
> > "Good God says the doctor.What did you
> > "I put drops in her eyes!"


Rules of Being a Man

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you’re next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood



How tough are Aussies??

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire
flickering,stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia,
one from South Africa and one from New Zealand.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous, the night of
Tales begin...

Keven the Kiwi says:

"I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the
other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of
the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the
crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer

Alan from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said:

"Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a
tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a
move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head
off then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm
still here today".

Terry, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his


>>>> Nelson Mandela
>>>> Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a
>>>>beer when
>>>> he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is
>>>>confronted by a
>>>> little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You
>>>> You sign!"
>>>> Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
>>>> Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the
>>>>Chinese man
>>>> starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
>>>> Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong
>>>>man", and
>>>> shuts the door in his face..
>>>> The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he
>>>>opens it,
>>>> the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
>>>>pads. He
>>>> thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose, yelling, "You sign!
>>>>You sign!"
>>>> Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes
>>>> little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got
>>>> wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his
>>>>face again.
>>>> The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
>>>>afternoon, he
>>>> hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there
>>>>is the
>>>> same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,
>>>> shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large
>>>> full of car parts..
>>>> This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the
>>>> man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want
>>>> Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you
>>>>have to
>>>> deliver these to?"
>>>> The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his
>>>> and says:
>>>> (It's a beauty)
>>>> (Wait for it)
>>>> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>>>> "You not Nissan Main Deala?"



>>> > Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
>>> >
>>> > I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in
>>>Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me
>>>asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting
>>>The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
>>>up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
>>>I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
>>>my orifices and Ivs in both arms.
>>> >
>>> > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
>>>the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot
>>>nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
>>>food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
>>> >
>>> > I have to mention here that practically everyone in
>>>the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
>>>behind her.
>>> >
>>> > Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital
>>>in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was
>>>because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
>>> >
>>> > I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he
>>>was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>>> >
>>> > Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??


Scientific Explanation of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a
university of Washington chemistry mid-term; the
answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which I of course, is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle¢s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed).

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate at which they are leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different Religions that exist in the world
today, most of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and

pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa,
(Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during
my Freshman year that,
"it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you",
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night
and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, Teresa kept shouting

"Oh my God!!!"




Subject: FW: I'm not a Liverpool fan

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying
to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that
she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if
they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand
expect one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't
you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well if your not a Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester City fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a City fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a City fan
and my dad is a City fan, so I'm a City fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
for you to be a City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and you dad was a drug
dealer and car thief, what what you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."


>Subject: Sean and Cilla
> >>>Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that,
> >>>despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
> >>>
> >>>Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
> >>>After the show, Cilla said,
> >>>"Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer,
>let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place.
> >>>
> >>>After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad
> >>>passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was
> >>>good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have better sex. But
> >>>while I'm sleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in
> >>>your right hand" Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
> >>>
> >>>He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
> >>>before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
> >>>sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. You'll have to......
>"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
> >>>hun" Cilla complies with the routine.
> >>>
> >>>Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over,
>they have a drink.
> >>>Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer
> >>>balls in one hand and yer Willie in the other- does it really
>stimulate yer that much?"
> >>>
> >>>Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I slept with a
> >>>scouser, she stole ma wallet
> >>>


We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by


Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass




>> >How to deal with rude customers
>> >
>> >
>> >For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers
>> >
>> >An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in
>>Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
>>when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
>> >
>> >A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had
>>been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long
>>line of inconvenienced travellers.
>> >
>> >Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
>>slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
>> >
>> >"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
>> >
>> >The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
>> >you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll
>>be able to work something out."
>> >
>> >The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
>>passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
>> >
>> >Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
>>address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your
>> >attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
>>If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
>> >
>> >With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
>>glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
>> >
>> >Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit).................
>> >
>> >
>> >"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."


>>> >
>>> >I think tis is a little sexist!!
>>> >
>>> >How to Make a Woman Happy
>>> > It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs
>>>to be:
>>> >
>>> > 1. a friend
>>> > 2. a companion
>>> > 3. a lover
>>> > 4. a brother
>>> > 5. a father
>>> > 6. a master
>>> > 7. a chef
>>> > 8. an electrician
>>> > 9. a carpenter
>>> > 10. a plumber
>>> > 11. a mechanic
>>> > 12. a decorator
>>> > 13. a stylist
>>> > 14. a sexologist
>>> > 15. a gynaecologist
>>> > 16. a psychologist
>>> > 17. a pest exterminator
>>> > 18. a psychiatrist
>>> > 19. a healer
>>> > 20. a good listener
>>> > 21. an organizer
>>> > 22. a good father
>>> > 23. very clean
>>> > 24. sympathetic
>>> > 25. athletic
>>> > 26. warm
>>> > 27. attentive
>>> > 28. gallant
>>> > 29. intelligent
>>> > 30. funny
>>> > 31. creative
>>> > 32. tender
>>> > 33. strong
>>> > 34. understanding
>>> > 35. tolerant
>>> > 36. prudent
>>> > 37. ambitious
>>> > 38. capable
>>> > 39. courageous
>>> > 40. determined
>>> > 41. true
>>> > 42. dependable
>>> > 43. passionate
>>> > 44. compassionate
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 45. give her compliments regularly
>>> > 46. love shopping
>>> > 47. be honest
>>> > 48. be very rich
>>> > 49. not stress her out
>>> > 50. not look at other girls
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
>>> > 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
>>> > 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 54. Never to forget:
>>> > * birthdays
>>> > * anniversaries
>>> > * arrangements she makes
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > 1. Show up naked
>>> > 2. Bring food



Be warned... I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams
but I had a close miss yesterday.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked
me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
Those less suspicious might not be so lucky ...


> >>>> A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
> >>>> her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
> >>>>
> >>>> "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
> >>>>
> >>>> Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
> >>>> says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
> >>>> it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
> >>>>
> >>>> Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
> >>>> collateral.
> >>>>
> >>>> The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
> >>>> elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
> >>>>
> >>>> Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
> >>>> bank manager and disappears into a back office.
> >>>>
> >>>> She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
> >>>> Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
> >>>> $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
> >>>>
> >>>> She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
> >>>> this?"
> >>>>
> >>>> (you're gonna love this)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (its a real treat)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (a masterpiece)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (wait for it)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> The bank manager looks back at her and says...
> >>>>
> >>>> "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
> >>>> man's a Rolling Stone."
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
> >>>>

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", " highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's reasearch. This means that by 2040, there should be a large eldery population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet
first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being
The fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
Ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down On your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a

blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle

grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as Much if it's
all greased up."


Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops
in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months,
and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of
60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6
per 100,000 persons for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to
be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington


>A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
>robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
>Luckily the babies were OK.
>The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to
>She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
>All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
>"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
>"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
>The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
>About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
>"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
>Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
>A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
> "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a
>and a bullet came out."
>"No," said the boy, "I was having a w * nk and shot the cat."




The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept
in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights
in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has
anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


A Teetotaler was seated next to an Aussie yobbo on a flight from London, England, to Melbourne, Australia.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Teetotaler if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."


THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


>>>A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
>>>Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
>>realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
>>>After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
>>animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>>>One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
>>>cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
>>As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
>>lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
>>>But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
>>>until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
>>>them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
>>>A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
>>>The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
>>>the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
>>>rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was
>>>well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another
>>beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect
>>>for a night of romance.
>>>Pretty soon,the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
>>>the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the
>>>young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:...
>>>"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"



One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?

What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law".



1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq .

2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq , was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq .

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq .

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq .

9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel .

10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem .

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in ( Babylon ) Iraq !

13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq ( Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon, saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq .

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq .

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq .

17. The wise men were from Iraq

18. Peter preached in Iraq .

19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon , which was a city in Iraq !

And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq ! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia . The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers The name Iraq , means country with deep roots.

Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.

No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq .

And also, This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages ...

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran (9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.

The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!



staff training - thinking on your feet!

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket,and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b... wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half. The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there." "Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


>A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, I
> >> have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had
> >> sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
> >>
> >> The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger
> >> and take three Hail Mary's for your penance" Soon, another man enters
> >> the confessional. "Father, I have sinned, it has been two months
> >> since my last confession.
> >I
> >> have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
> >>
> >> This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fanny Green?
> >> "A new woman in the parish," the sinner replies.
> >> "Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be
> >> stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your
> >> Penance."
> >>
> >> The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the
> >> Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
> >> eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
> >> in the
> >> right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with
> >> matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as
> >> the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon
> >> Stone-style.
> >>
> >> The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that
> >> Fanny Green?"
> >>
> >> The altar boy quietly replies,
> >> "No Father, I think it's just the reflection from off her shoes."



A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started
swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
"I'll have some of that Weetabix shit !"
*SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU
want for breakfast, young man????"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Weetabix!



This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will get you to the top!

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will get you to the top!



The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"




A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named

Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and

before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly

in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep

doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close

by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones

with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the

leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims

loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder

if there are any more around here?"


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack

in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he

slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard,

"That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the

whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put

this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection

from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle

sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,

and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon

catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and

strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool

of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see

what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with

the monke y on his back and thinks, "What am I going

to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits

down with his back to his attackers, pretending he

hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close

enough to hear, the old poodle says.


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour

ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will

always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and

brilliance only come with age and experience.


>>A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly
>>a brand-new BMW drives up in a
>>cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci
>>shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and
>>asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have
>>in your flock, will you give me one?"
>>The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
>>his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
>>answers: "Sure. Why not?"
>>The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
>>connects it to his AT&T cell phone,
>>surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS
>>satellite navigation system to get an exact
>>fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
>>that scans the area in an
>>ultra-high-resolution photo.
>>The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
>>exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
>>Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
>>image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
>>MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
>>hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
>>email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
>>response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on
>>his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to
>>the shepherd and says:
>>"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
>>"That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.", says
>>the shepherd.
>>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
>>amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then
>>the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
>>what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? "
>>The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:"Okay, why
>>"You’re a consultant." says the shepherd.
>>"Wow! That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
>>"No guessing required", answered the shepherd.
>>"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
>>paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and
>>you don’t know crap about my business…

Now give me back my dog."


Men Strike Back !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Women will never be equal to men until they can
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

>A father went into his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.
>With a dreadful premonition he read it, his hands trembling.
>"Dear Mum and Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big
>motorbike. But it's not only that; I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we
>will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
>"I;ve learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it
>for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.
>"Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that
>his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse.
>"Don;t worry, Mum. Now I'm 15 years old I know how to take care of myself.
>"Some day I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
>"Your loving daughter, Aimee."
>P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just
>wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND
>I love you, Aimee



Subject: FW: 12 priests

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his "weenie" and, they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring....





>1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.


>2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.


>3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.


>4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.


>5. You hear your favourite song in a lift.


>6. You watch the Weather Channel.


>7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."


>8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 14.


>9. Jeans and jumper no longer qualify as "dressed up."


>10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

>won't turn down the stereo.


>11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.


>12. You don't know what time Kebab shop closes anymore.


>13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.


>14. You feed your dog Iams instead of McDonald's leftovers.


>15. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.


>16. You take naps.


>17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.


>18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather

>than settle, your stomach.


>19. You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and

>pregnancy tests.


>20. A £3.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ####."


>21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.


>22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to

>drink that much again."


>23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.


>24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.


>25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead

>of asking "Oh ####, what the hell happened?"





>26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't

>apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you


>it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.



>and now you know why I am forwarding this to you...




An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches

and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the

woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh!, Killed any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females', he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.
A small Wild Animal Park in Alabama acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Tanden, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated, "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."



Subject: Idle thoughts of a retiree's wandering mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.



I don't know whether these comments arose in England or Australia but very true anyway.


> Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
> A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
> Q. What is the height of optimism?
> A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
> Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
> almost always takes a wicket?
> A. A bat.
> Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
> A. An all rounder.
> Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones

> have over the rest of their team-mates?
> A. At least they can say they're not really English.
> Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
> A. Three runs in three balls.
> Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
> A. A bowler.
> >>Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
> >>batsmen?
> >>A. The walk back to the pavilion.
> Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
> A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
> Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
> A. Because he was born in England.
> Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
> A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
> Q. What's the English version of LBW?
> A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
> Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English
> A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

And there is no rain here to help make the game a draw! 5-0.



>Quickie #1
>One day, Joe Smithi came home from a hard day at the office and was greeted by his wife dressed in
>a very sexy nightie.
>"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>So he tied her up and went fishing.

>Quickie #2
>A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
>lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
>"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie #3
>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.

>Quickie #4
>A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
>showed him a card with the letter s: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

>Quickie #5
>Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of

>Quickie #6
>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
>NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
>MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
>Have you LOST your mind?
>Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
>them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
>like when I'm driving."

Quickie #7
>Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
>was drafted by the Army.
>On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
>afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
>been looking for Herman for 51 years.



The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!





What's for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?

Wow, you sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn't over-do it today.

I've always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some more wine.





A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of

her glasses, and says,

"F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"



Please note that as from 01 January 2002,

when the Europeans change their currency;

the term "spending a penny" will be replaced

with the word "Euronating"


Honesty is the best policy ??????


Subject: Fwd: : Radio Competition


Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to and hearing this.


Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in



The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The

game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if

they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant

answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal

questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner


phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same

three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular

game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop

to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard



Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of


Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,

Florida if

you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only


Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have

said that

if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock

This morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying

with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous

Hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get

this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

( 3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch

tones.... ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air

Right now and

I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows

not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know

the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

Completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,

Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be


To Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World.

Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to


DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"


Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to

protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one

question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a

Station break....




A few risque ones here, but true! Have a good week end





Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.


Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.


Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.


Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

A. Well-hung.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.


Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 2 stone


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes


Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A: The swallow.


Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving

their minds?

A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch


The future leaders of Britain show off their brain power.



Subject: GCSEs




>The following questions and genuine answers that were collated from


>year's GCSE exams.


> Geography



>Q: Name the four seasons.


>A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.




>Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to



>A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large


>like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.




>Q: How is dew formed?


>A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.




>Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?


>A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water

tends to

>flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and


>abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.






>Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?


>A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.




>Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?


>A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.




>Q: What are steroids?


>A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.







>Q: What happens to your body as you age?


>A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.




>Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?


>A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.




>Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?


>A: Premature death.




>Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?


>A. Keep it in the cow. [He got an A!]




>Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)


>A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax


>the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax

contains the

>heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels


> A, E, I, O & U




>Q: What is the Fibula?


>A: A small lie.




>Q: What does "varicose" mean?


>A: Nearby.




>Q: What is the most common form of birth control?


>A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.




>Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."


>A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.




>Q: What is a seizure?


>A: A Roman emperor.




>Q: What is a terminal illness?


>A: When you are sick at the airport.




>Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?


>A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like









>Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its



>A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.




>Q: What does the word "benign" mean?


>A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.








>Q: What is a turbine?


>A: Something an Arab wears on his head.




> >

> >Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had


> >confess to her man about her childhood illness.

> >She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at


> >maturity of a 12-year old.

> >He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However,Jim

> felt

> >this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a

> >deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a

> >problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could


> >with that once we are married."

> >She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size

> >penis."

> >Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

> >Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,

> >teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants,she

> >began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out

> what

> >was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

> >"Yes, it is.....8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"


Subject: Celebration

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. And my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I tried a new cock," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.


>A British company is developing small computer chips that can store
in women's breasts.
>This is considered a major breakthrough since women complain about men
>staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------->>> > >
>>> > > Why, Why, Why
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
>>> > > getting weak?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they
>>>know > > there
>>> > > not enough?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
>>> > > but check when you say the paint is wet?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
>>> > > revolver at him?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
>>> > > always white?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
>>>hopes that
>>> > > something new to eat will have materialized?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
>>> > > cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
>>>down to
>>> > > give
>>> > > the vacuum one more chance?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
>>>with a
>>> > > cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
>>> > > it
>>> > > isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
>>> > > the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
>>>in summer
>>> > > when
>>> > > we complained about the heat?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>>> > >
>>> > >
>>> > > And my FAVORITE......
>>> > >
>>> > > The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
>>>persons is
>>> > > suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
>>>three best
>>> > > friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.



>> > Essex Girl Jokes
>> >
>> > An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
>> >
>> > "How many children?" asks the council worker.
>> >
>> > "10" replies the Essex girl.
>> >
>> > "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
>> >
>> > "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
>>and Wayne."
>> >
>> > "Doesn't that get confusing?"
>> >
>> > "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
>> > playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY,
>> > WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
>> >
>> > "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the
>>perturbed council worker.
>> >
>> > "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
>> >
>> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
>>garment on the counter.
>> >
>> > "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
>> >
>> > "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
>> >
>> > "No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
>> >
>> > The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
>> >
>> > She says "I'll take the red one."
>> >
>> > The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped
>>and bleeding.
>> >
>> > The paramedics soon arrive on site.
>> >
>> > Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
>> > questions?"
>> >
>> > Girl: "OK"
>> >
>> > Medic: "What's your name?"
>> >
>> > Girl: "Sharon."
>> >
>> > Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Yes."
>> >
>> > Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Romford, mate."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
>> >
>> > It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on
>> > the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please
>>be careful!"
>> >
>> > "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's fucking
>> > hundreds of 'em!"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's
>>Blood everywhere.
>> >
>> > The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
>>she's lying flat out on the floor.
>> >
>> > Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Ok."
>> >
>> > Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl
>> > notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
>> >
>> > She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but
>>why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
>> >
>> > The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
>> > "Well,oim little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight
>> > foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
>> >
>> > "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers
>>'ave got C&A on them!"


An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in an

small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious

building after an all night drinking binge.


The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the

typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to

the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted

them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of

lashes or the type of punishment.


The Italian says " Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want

the pleasure a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his wishes.



With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his

naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to

painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on

his back.



The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before

smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan

thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given

he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the

whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully

endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.



The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under

his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the

number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.


The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish

but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up

during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at

each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show

how tough he is.



The Sultan ask the Aussie for his second wish.



"Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.




ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and



AFL stands for Australian Football League


Does the following apply to the




This is good !!!!



have been accused of spousal abuse




have been arrested for fraud



have been accused of writing bad checks



have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses



have done time for assault



71 cannot

get a credit card due to bad credit



have been arrested on drug-related charges



have been arrested for shoplifting



are defendants in lawsuits, and


have been arrested for drunk driving


the last year





you guess which organization this is?




up yet? . . . Scroll down,









it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA




same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year

designed to keep the rest of us in line.


A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
>The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
>Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a
>date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
>secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
>As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
>used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
>months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
>Scroll Down
>You got Male




A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy
And that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
And co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
Because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use
And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
Arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'
'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her
Seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him
What he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied,
"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------> >
> > Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
> > Female customer: A white one...
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
> > Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
> > Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
> > Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
> > Customer: No,wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
>still on
> > my
> > desk... sorry....
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left
>of the
> > screen.
> > Customer: Your left or my left?
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
> > Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> > Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
> > Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm
>not Bill
> > Gates.
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
>Every time
> > I
> > try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the
>printer and
> > placed
> > it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
>can't find
> > it...
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> > Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
> > Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
> > Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> > Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
> > Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> > Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> > Customer: OK
> > Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
> > Customer: Yes
> > Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
> > another
> > keyboard?
> > Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in
>apple, a
> > capital
> > letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> > Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Customer: can't get on the Internet.
> > Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
> > Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> > Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
> > Customer: Five stars.
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
> > Customer: Netscape.
> > Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
> > Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
>saver on
> > my
> > computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Tech support: How may I help you?
> > Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> > Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
> > Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how
>do I get
> > the
> > circle around it?
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
> > printer.
> > Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
> > Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
> > The
> > man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and
>his printer
> > is working fine."
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > And last but not least...
> >
> > Tech support:"Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
>keys at the
> > same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
>screen. Now
> > type
> > the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
> > Customer: I don't have a P.
> > Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
> > Customer: What do you mean?
> > Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
> > Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
>>>an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
>>>his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts
>>>"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver
>>>says. "I can't stand to see a man cry."
>>>"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
>>>"I can't do anything right.
>>> I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
>>>When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't
>>>any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered
>>>wallet was still in the cab.
>>>At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
>>>So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an
>>>end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."


An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.


All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in

the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.


"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink

from the same one twice," he says.


The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass

into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.


"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that

we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.


The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws

his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.


He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so

many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with

the same ones twice."


>>> >Subject: FW: when emails go wrong
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >An amazing story about an e-mail gone wrong.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
>>>a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
>>>where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
>>> >Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew
>>>to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The
>>>husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
>>>decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
>>> >However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail
>>>address and without realising his error, sent the e-mail.
>>> >Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from
>>>her husband's funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died.
>>The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from
>>>relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
>>>fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen
>>>which read:
>>> >To: My Loving Wife
>>> >Subject: I've Arrived
>>> >Date: October 16th 2004
>>> >I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
>>>here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
>>>arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
>>>for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
>>>journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>>> >P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!



(because they are plugged into a genius)


(they don't have enough time)


(they don't stop to ask directions)


(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


(don't know.....it never happened)


(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn


Subject: Ethel


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing

home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.


One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him

... Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."


As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Darn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"



Conversation on a Plane

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion
3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes



1. Show up naked

2. Bring food and beer

3. Hand over the remote.



>In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either

>sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing

>behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and

>both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were

>to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are

>"limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the

>expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."


>As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May

>and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads

>(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs

>made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would

>carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30

>minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big

>wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone

>appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.


>In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one

>chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used

>for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while

>everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was

>usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit

>in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one

>sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the

>expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."


>Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and

>men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax

>over their facial skin to smoo! th out t heir complexions. When they were

>speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face

>she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax

>would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too

>close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression

>"losing face."


>Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and

>dignified woman, as in "straight laced". . wore a tightly tied lace.


>Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied

>when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To

>avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.

>Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be

>stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."


>Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the

>people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios,

>the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They

>were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and

>political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You

>go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually

>combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term



>At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized

>containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep

>the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was

>drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term

>"minding your "P's and Q's."


>One more: bet you didn't know this!

>In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried

>iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary

>to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from

>rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based

>pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested

>on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small

>area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent

>the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution

>was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.

>However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust

>to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few

>landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron

>when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass

>indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right

>off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the

>balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper

>expression, didn't you.)




The following are all replies that Sydney Western Suburbs women

have put on child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's


These are genuine excerpts from the forms.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,

child A was fathered by Trev Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of

the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same



2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my

child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly

from behind.

I can provide you with a list of names of men that I

think were at the party if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.

She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I

met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.

If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone

number? Thanks.


4. I don't know the identity of the father of my

daughter. He drives an Excel that now has a hole made by my stiletto in

one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact Excel dealers in this

area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs

me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic

implications for the NSW economy. I am torn between doing right by you

and right by the country. Please advise.


6. I do not know who the father of my child was as all

soldiers look the same to me. I can confirm that he was an infantryman.


7. Bazza Smith is the father of child A. If you catch up

with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?


8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived

at Disneyworld.


9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing

that I remember for sure is Jamie Oliver did a program about eggs earlier in

the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than

going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained



10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,

after all when you eat a can beans you can't be sure which one made you



Subject: 25 Years

We had been married for 25 years, when I took a look at my wife one day and I said:
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa- bed and watched a 10" black and white t.v., but I slept at night with a hot, 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, big bed and a plasma-screen t.v., but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.



Subject: Fw: The prisoner....

----- ....

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
>> He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
>> couple in bed.
>> He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
>> While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
>> then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
>> While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's
>> an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
>> in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If
>> he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
>> Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
>> dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you."
>> To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
>> in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
>> any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, Honey. I love
>> you, too."


>> Men Are Happier
>> Simple minds (Doesn't take much to please us!)
>> Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such
>> simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
>> Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
>> You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
>> T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
>> mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have
>> to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
>> icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
>> bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000.
>> Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
>> them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
>> shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
>> Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
>> about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can
>> open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
>> thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
>> your friend.
>> Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes
>> are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
>> You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
>> stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
>> decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
>> You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides
>> your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all
>> seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do"
>> your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
>> growing a moustache..
>> You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
>> 25 minutes.
>> No wonder men are happier.
>> Send this to the women who can handle it
>> and to the men who will enjoy reading


>>> Subject: Doctor Dave
>>> > >
>>> > > Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
>>> > >
>>> > > No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
>>> > >
>>> > > The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But
>>> > > every once in a while he'd hear an internal,
>>> > > reassuring voice that said:
>>> > >
>>> > > "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
>>> > > doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you
>>> > > won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it
>>> > > go..."
>>> > >
>>> > > But invariably the other voice would bring him back to
>>> > > reality, whispering:
>>> > >
>>> > > "Dave, you're a vet..."


Subject: Maths

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.




Saddam Hussein found guilty.

Sentenced to be shot.

Last request is to name his own firing squad.

He chose Lampard, Gerrard, and Carragher from 12 yards.....



The Seven Degrees of Blonde



A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The

wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and

said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The

husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman

wanting to know if the coast is clear,"




Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror

and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says,

"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The

second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"




A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and

buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens

the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is

really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does

so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her

head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde

replies, "Shut up, you're next."



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly

says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's

the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."




What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?



Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US

government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.

Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That

was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the





Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house

ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and

reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,

patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer

approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on

the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat

down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come

home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and

what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."


> In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
> name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
> Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
> Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
> >
> > The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
> consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
> that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
> considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
> of course, Ibepokin.
> >
> > Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
> liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
> suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
> literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
> this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
> "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
> Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
> >
> > Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
> > implants
> and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
> there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
> erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


>>Subject: FW: A plan for our retirement
>>About 2 years ago my friends were on a cruise through
>> > the western Mediterranean aboard one of the P&O liners.
>> >
>> > At dinner they noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the
>>rail of
>> > the grand stairway in the main dining room. They also noticed
>>that all
>> > the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed
>> > familiar with this lady.
>> >
>> > They asked the waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told
>>that she
>> > owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on
>> > for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
>> >
>> > As they left the dining room one evening my friend caught her
>>eye and
>> > stopped to say hello. They chatted and he said, 'I understand
>> > been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, 'Yes,
>> > that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied,
>> > a pause, 'It's cheaper than a nursing home."
>> >
>> > So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old
>> > feeble, I am going to get on a P&O Cruise Ship. The average cost
>>for a
>> > nursing home is £700.00 per week. I checked on reservations with
>> > Cruises and I can get a long term discount and a senior citizen
>> > discount price of £580.00 per week.
>> >
>> > That leaves £120.00 a week for:
>> >
>> > 1. Gratuities will be £10.00 per week.
>> >
>> > 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
>> > restaurant, or I can have room service which means I can have
>> > breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
>> >
>> > 3. P&O liners have as many as three swimming pools, a workout
>> > free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
>> >
>> > 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and
>> >
>> > 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
>> > £5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help
>> >
>> > 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
>> >
>> > 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
>> > replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologise for
>> > inconvenience.
>> >
>> > 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to
>> > for them.
>> >
>> > 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
>>NHS; if
>> > you fall and break a hip on the P&O ship they will upgrade you
>>to a
>> > suite for the rest of your life.
>> >
>> > Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
>> > Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you
>>want to
>> > go?
>> >
>> > P&O will have a ship ready to go. So I don't wait for relatives
>> > come and take me out, so don't come looking for me in a nursing
>> > just call shore to ship.
>> >
>> > PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the
>>side at
>> > no charge thus saving on funeral costs.
>> >



Information Release.
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving. For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:

-overtaking in dangerous places;
-hovering within one inch of the car in front;
-stopping sharply;
-speeding in residential areas;
-pulling out without indication;
-performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets;
-undertaking on motorways and
-taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads,

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross,
signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be
clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will
have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that
drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport


>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 40-ish................................49
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Adventurous......................Slept with everyone.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Athletic...............................No breasts.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Average looking....................Mooooooo.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Emotionally Secure................On medication.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Feminist................................Fat.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Free spirit............................Junkie.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Friendship first......................Reformed slapper
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Open-minded.......................Desperate.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Professional..........................B*tch.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 1. Yes = No
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 2. No = Yes
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 3. Maybe = No
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 4. We need = I want
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > MEN'S ENGLISH:
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 3. I am tired = I am tired
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 5. I love you = Let's have sex now
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>>> >> > > >
>>> >> > > > 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
>>> >> > > >


Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...



Management lessons.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me make love to you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.



Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


P.S. I just remembered.


My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs

that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. I am

very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you

will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be

spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at

the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I

shall be back home before midnight.

>> >

When he came home, he found the following letter on

the dining room table:

>> >

>> > My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you

that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I

would like to inform you that while you read this, I

will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis

coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent

knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we

are in the same situation, although with one small difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow



You couldn't make it up!!!

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it means to be British?"

Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and!!!!!

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.


3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 2004 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

47 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

201 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2003 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2004 eight Brits fractured their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.





>>This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
>>"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner
>>the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the
>>administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
>>We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
>>The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
>>And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
>>Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
>>So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
>>Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
>>check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
>>the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound
>>asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
>>the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
>>with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning,
>>little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the
>of politics now."
>>The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
>>politics is all about".
>>The little boy replies, "Well........ while Capitalism is screwing
>>Working Class.... the Government is sound asleep....... the People
>>being ignored......... and the Future is in deep s**t."



This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?


We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over



How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these







is represented as:


1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.






8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%






11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%






1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%






2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.




1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work

and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's

the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.










A little kid is sitting in biology class, and the teacher says that an

interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other

animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots



"Not correct, Miss!" he says.


"Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher.


"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the

verandah, the neighboUr's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat

arched his back and went "ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff!

ffffffffffffff!" but before the cat could say "F...! Off!!! the dog ate








An elderly man lay dying in his bed and while suffering the agonies of

impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite

chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.


Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with

even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled

downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,

gazing into the kitchen.


Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in

heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.


Was it heaven?


Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty

years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in rumpled posture.


His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the

table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a




"F... OFF" she said "They're for the funeral"



Subject: FW: Tommy Cooperisms

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the

top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've

got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat


20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night



Little Johnny wakes up three nights in a row to the sound of thumping coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, on the third morning he says to him mother, "Mommy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noise, and when I look into your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." Needless to say, Little Johnny's mother is taken by surprise, so she quickly explains, "Oh... that's because your Daddy has gained weight and I'm bouncing on his stomach to make him thin again." Little Johnny looks a tad confused and remarks, "Mommy, I don't think that's gonna work." "Why not, dear?" "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave the house every day and blows him right back up!"


At last... an explanation of the offside rule for women.


You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop

assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which

you must have.


The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them

with desire.


Both of you have forgotten your purses.


It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had

no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till



Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop

and sees your dilemma.


She prepares to throw her purse to you.


If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other

shopper and buy the shoes.


At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,

whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the

purse and buy the shoes.


Always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it

would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.



A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman.

He ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned and replied, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the man.

They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks." he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.


> > How To Shower Like a Woman:
> >
> >Take off clothing
> >and place it in sectioned
> >laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
> >
> >Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
> >
> >If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >
> >Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
> >more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
> >
> >Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
> >wide loofah and pumice stone.
> >
> >Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
> >vitamins.
> >
> >Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> >
> > Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced
> > with real passionfruit.
> >
> > Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
> > until red.
> >
> > Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
> >
> > Rinse conditioner off hair.
> >
> > Shave armpits and legs.
> >
> > Turn off shower
> >
> > Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> >
> > Spray mold spots with Tilex.
> >
> > Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.
> >
> > Dry with towel the size of a small country.
> >
> > Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
> >
> > Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
> > If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >
> >
> >
> > How To Shower Like a Man:
> >
> > Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
> >
> > them in a pile.
> >
> > Walk naked to the bathroom.
> >
> > If you see wife along the way, shake penis at her making the
> > 'woo-woo' sound.
> >
> > Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
> >
> > Admire the size of your penis and scratch your ass.
> >
> > Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
> >
> >
> > Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
> >
> > Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
> > Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
> >
> > Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Take a pee.
> >
> > Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.
> >
> > Dry off forearms and butt only.
> >
> > Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
> > tub the whole time.
> >
> > Admire penis size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
> >
> > Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
> >
> > Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
> >
> > If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake penis at her and make the
> > 'woo-woo' sound again.
> >
> > Throw wet towel on bed.
> >
> > If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind
> > this, there is something so very wrong with you.
> >
> > Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!


Irish Pub Joke

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have
a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum
of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the
pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses
of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me !"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub."


>> >
>> >A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love
>>to be eight again" she replied
>> >
>> On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice
>>big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
>>What a Day!
>> >He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, The Wall
>>of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
>> >
>> >Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head
>>was reeling and her stomach felt upside down Right away they
>>journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with
>>extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .
>> >
>>Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot
>>dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms
>> >
>What a fabulous adventure!
>> >
>>Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the
>>bed exhausted . He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
>>lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
>>Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed
>"I meant my dress size, you idiot"
>> >
>The moral of this story : Even when a man is listening, he's still
>> >gonna get it wrong


Subject: big game hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to
everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a
good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
bindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he
could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the
bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would
put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took
him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a 308 rifle."
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in
their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then
Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again. Through the night, he proved his
skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was
drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember
it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed
and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk,
killed with an axe."


>>> >Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
>>> >run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
>>> >face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
>>> >
>>> >"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>>> >
>>> >"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
>>> >
>>> >"That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to
>>> >you, he must have had something in his hand."
>>> >
>>> >"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
>>> >lickin' he gave me with it."
>>> >
>>> >"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
>>> >have something in your hand?"
>>> >
>>> >That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
>>> >beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >**********************************************************************************************************
>>> >An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
>>> >the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
>>> >over the road.
>>> >
>>> > A cop pulls him over.
>>> >
>>> >"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
>>> >
>>> >"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
>>> >
>>> >"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
>>> >this evening."
>>> >"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
>>> >
>>> >"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
>>> >across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
>>> >of your
>>> >
>>> > "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
>>> >thought I'd gone deaf."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >***********************************************************************************************************
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
>>> >arrives at her door.
>>> >
>>> >"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
>>> >
>>> >"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
>>> >my husband?"
>>> >
>>> >"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
>>> >accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
>>> >
>>> >"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
>>> >
>>> >"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
>>> >
>>> >Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
>>> >
>>> >"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
>>> >drowned."
>>> >
>>> >"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
>>> >go quickly?"
>>> >"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >************************************************************************************************************
>>> >
>>> >Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
>>> >service, and she's in tears.
>>> >
>>> >He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
>>> >
>>> >She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
>>> >away last night."
>>> >
>>> >The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
>>> >have any last requests?"
>>> >
>>> >She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he
>>> >Mary? "
>>> >
>>> >She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >*********************************************************************************************************
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
>>> >booth, sits down but says nothing.
>>> >
>>> >The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
>>> >continues to sit there.
>>> >
>>> >Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
>>> >
>>> >The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
>>> >side either."
>>> >
>>> >


A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to
a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind
guy yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep
voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, you should
know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and
I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more,
the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady
to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it
seriously, Mister.
You still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind guy says, 'Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times.'


A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!

I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



Subject: Film agent

>This good looking man walks into an agent's office in
>Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star" Tall, handsome and with
>experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
>What's your name? "The guy said "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
>The agent said "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
>you are going to have to change your name"
>"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
>not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not Ever". The agent
>said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..you will NEVER go far in
>Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I"m telling you, you will
>TO change your name or I will not be able to
>represent you" "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the
>guy said and he left the agent's office.
>FIVE YEARS LATER..... the agent opens an envelope sent to
>his Office. Inside is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is
>awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
>enclosed.."Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
>become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my
>name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name I refused. You
>told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
>Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I
>decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
>return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
>made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my
>Thank you for your advice.

Dick van Dyke


> >> A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me,do
> >> you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets
> >> down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a
> >> widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like
> >> that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
> >>
> >> The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
> >> knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet
> >> pyfon gives a phuk."


From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true

story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.


Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood

tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so

intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car

park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what

seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man

managed to find his car, which he fell into.


He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the

bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on

and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,

tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle

forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a

few more minutes as some more vehicles left.


At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down

the road.


The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started

up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man

over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the

breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol

at all!


Dumbfounded, the officer said; "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to

the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."


"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".


True story...




The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the

guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)



We always hear "the rules"

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note these are all numbered "1"



1. Men ARE not mind readers.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.


1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem . See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us

to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during



1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We

have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.

We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like

nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer

you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...



1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,

Or golf.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men

really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite,Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and

some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He

says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"



An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"



"Well" says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody

whose dick is on his face"





By far the best email i've read so far....For anyone who didn't see

David Letterman's take on this:(And it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of

quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner

with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the

quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she

told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men

already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an

intimidating figure. The woman froze.

Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me.

Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly

nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear

immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered

and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to

know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the

elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't

just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and

stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the



Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator

doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then


Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart

plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what

they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out

her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained

down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds


She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us

what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it

had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to

hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the

two men.

They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to

hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit

the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the

floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was

having a hard time not laughing.


The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.

She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,

but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly

respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob

you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the

strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking

her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were


afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid

her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them

roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went

downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers

were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a

crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh

we've had in years."


It was signed;

Eddie Murphy

Michael Jordan


The Ant & The Grasshopper Fable:-

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The British are
stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites with Starving Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the Coalition Against Hard Work demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".


In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council. The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz company [funded by the EU] although within weeks, his business is threatened with compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a French ant).


The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that
will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a Gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a heroin/prostitution operation and
terrorize the community.


Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat

around the bush. You have AIDS."


Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"


Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled

carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts


and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a litre

of prune juice."


Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"


Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding

of What your arse is for."




Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are



Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.


"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."


"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.


Robin ponders for a minute.


"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of

galaxies and potentially billions of planets.


Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.


Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.


Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small

and insignificant.


Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


What does it tell you, Batman?"


Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:


" Robin, you f*cking idiot, someone has stolen our tent



>>>>On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to
>>>>One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and
>>>>to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the
>>>>chicken to
>>>>go get the farmer for help!
>>>>Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
>>>>and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to
>>>>with the only tractor.
>>>>Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 silver
>>>>Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the
>>>>motor car and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping
>>>>still had time to save his friend's life.
>>>>Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see
>>>>chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of
>>>>loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
>>>>After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car,
>>>>chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
>>>>powerful car,
>>>>rescued the donkey!
>>>>Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,
>>>>the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship
>>>>the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
>>>>A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud
>>>>and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to
>>>>save his
>>>>The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the
>>>>puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
>>>>"thing" and
>>>>he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good
>>>>grip, and
>>>>the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
>>>>And the moral of the story?
>>>>When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a



Subject: FW: The Lion, the bear and the chicken

A bear, a lion and a chicken are involved in a game of

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering
with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the Serengeti, the entire desert is afraid
of me."

Says the chicken: "big deal, I only have to cough, and the entire
planet s***'s itself."



Company Policy:
Effective from April 2005

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay rise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. After your
second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get
5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer
of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management



Subject: FW: For all James Bond lovers

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The Lady then asks, 'well what is it telling you?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The lady giggles & says 'well it is lying to you because I am
wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."


It's hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are determined
not to be helped. They must have been born & raised in a deep mineshaft
and only brought out for these shows!

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were
written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G,
revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

Eamonn Holmes: What continent is the Himalayas mountain range on?
Contestant: Africa.

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the DentalHospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True
or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American
TV show,so I'll give you that.

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egyptand Israellast?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.




A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some
problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
before the masterpiece .




-Its only a joke

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said
"OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr Chang then said,
"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse!"

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help to get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask
him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.


The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it,

and I have faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and

their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within

five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)


The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."


The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky

little putt." Before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the

honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the

ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the



For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the

guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.


When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and

Has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to

the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting

like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a

shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on

this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll

take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch

in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.


"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the

green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim

about 6inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over

that little hump and break right into the cup.


"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a

plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10

inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into

the cup.


"The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,

picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car

or mine?"




One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
his wife ,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -
That's a
idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have
one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"



Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick
likes to use
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice
on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier,
and I
bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel
on This
Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by
herself in bed

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs
and likes
what he

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
"Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v
Lancashire match,
inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft
hands he
tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix,
"What does
it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much
after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's
word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
prepare for a
big race
when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a
night about
from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
where's that
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
Palmer) is
playing so
well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
and kisses
them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got
Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a
horse. I
once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it
Daryl Gibson
comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from
Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was



Subject: Travel Queries !

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel - The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't

get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going

over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to

California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to

explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she

interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape

> town is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the

> stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape cod is in Massachusetts, Cape

> town is in Africa." Her response ... click.


> A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was

> wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an

> ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since

> Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I

> looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."


> I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from

> Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."


> Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I

> pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in

> Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I

> heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the

> gates to save time."


> A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that

> her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.

> I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but

> she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her

> the plane went very fast, and she bought that!


> A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description

> on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No,

> why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the

> airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm

> overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a

> minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back

> and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline

> was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


> I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which

> plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,

> "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes

> have numbers on them."


> A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those

> computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a

> commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."


> A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed

> in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,

> I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China

> many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and

> sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,

> "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted

> my American Express."


> A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to

> Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally,

> the

> agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do

> you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back

> with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country

> and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't

> be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a

> map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo,

> do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"



Subject: FW: A birthday gift

A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They





hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard before
remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained
her hands were cold. He decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate,
not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful.

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he
bought a stylish pair of cream coloured leather gloves. At the same time,
the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked for their
purchases to be gift wrapped. Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the
items up and the guy left with the gift wrapped knickers and the
girlfriend's sister left with the gloves.

The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver
his present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she
wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front
door accompanied by the following note:-

'Happy Birthday Darling, I hope you like these. I chose them because
I noticed you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the
evenings. Had it not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with





white buttons, but she wears short ones & they're easier to pull off. I
was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant
showed me the pair she's worn for the past 3 weeks and they're hardly
soiled at all. I had her try on yours and although a little tight, they
looked really smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean
and shiny and she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them.

I wish you'd been there so I could've put them on for you myself as
no doubt many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.





Just think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the
coming year. When you take them off, remember to blow into them as they
will be a little damp from wearing.

I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Dave XXXX

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing




>>> >Subject: Child Support Agency forms
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >The following are all replies that British women have put on
>>>Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's
>>> >
>>> >These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check
>>>number 11, It takes the prize.
>>> >
>>> >1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
>>> >fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the
>>>father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the
>>>same night.
>>> >
>>> >2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
>>>was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
>>>behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
>>>party if this helps.
>>> >
>>> >3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
>>>was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had
>>>unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that
>>>the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track
>>>down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
>>> >
>>> >4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
>>>drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of
>>>the door panels.
>>> >Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and
>>>see if he's had it replaced.
>>> >
>>> >5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
>>>the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and
>>>that he is Christ risen again.
>>> >
>>> >6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
>>>that to do so would blow his cover and that would have
>>>cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn
>>>between doing right by you and right by the country. Please
>>> >
>>> >7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies
>>>look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
>>> >
>>> >8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
>>>him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
>>> >
>>> >9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
>>> >Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
>>> >
>>> >10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
>>>remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier
>>>in the evening.
>>> >If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
>>>the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained
>>> >
>>> >11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
>>>after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one
>>>made you fart.



>Subject: FW: Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
>Haha!! Some of these ring a bell!
>Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
>Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
>through to enquiries, can you help?".
>Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
>Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
>Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
>Samsung Electronics
>Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
>Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
>Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
>states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket
>and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
>Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
>RAC Motoring Services
>Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
>travelling in Australia?"
>Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
>Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
>"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
>to the other side of the car?"
>Directory Enquiries
>Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
>Cardiff please".
>Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
>Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
>but the 'B' fell off".
>Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
>Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
>Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
>On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
>box told a worried operator:
>"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
>Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
>Customer: "OK".
>Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
>Customer: "No".
>Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
>Customer: "No".
>Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
>this point?".
> Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
>Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,
>can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
>Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
>Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
>that I need it.
>If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back
>There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a
>long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is
>a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from
>a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
>Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
>Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
>Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
>I know why they record these conversations!):
>Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
>Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
>Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
>Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
>the words went away."
>Operator: "Went away?"
>Caller: "They disappeared."
>Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
>Caller: "Nothing."
>Operator: "Nothing??"
>Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
>Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
>Caller: "How do I tell?"
>Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
>Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
>Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
>Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
>accept anything I type."
>Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
>Caller: "What's a monitor?"
>Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
>a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
>Caller: "I don't know."
>Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
>where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
>Caller: "Yes, I think so."
>Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
>it's plugged into the wall.
> Caller: "Yes, it is."
>Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
>there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
>Caller: "No."
>Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
>and find the other cable."
>Caller: "Okay, here it is."
>Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
>securely into the back of your computer."
>Caller: "I can't reach."
>Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
>Caller: "No."
>Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
>lean way over??"
>Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
>- it's because it's dark."
>Operator: "Dark??"
>Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light
>I have is coming in from the window.
>" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
>Caller: "I can't."
>Operator: "No? Why not??"
>Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
>Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
>licked now.
>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
>came in??"
>Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
>Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
>pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
>store you bought it from."
>Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
>Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
>Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
>Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a




1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)


1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."



Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour,surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?



The Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it to their particular religion.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods
to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is
coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation!!!"

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting
on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You
fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a


Subject: The Baby Man

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."


"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted"!


German bloke approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit
>> you"
>> "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
>> "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
>> "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off
>> they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
>> bedsprings and a duck caller.
>> "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."
>> The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to
>> her hands and knees.
>> "Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
>> She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
>> "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
>> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is
>> paying.
>> The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic
>> German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most
>> sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before
>> she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally
>> amazing......what do you call that?
>> "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"


The Ferrari formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people
from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,
whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8
seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this
was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the
international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost
in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew
successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12
seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the
McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some
photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.




A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the

>pulpit, I put a glass of to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

>>1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

>>2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

>>3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

>>4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

>>5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his
>>6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as t
he late J.C.

>>7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

>>8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

>>9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

>>10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

>>11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

>>12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

>>13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

>>14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.




I don't know if you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know. I am sending this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Tesco in Warrington and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a soapy sponge, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, and again on Saturday.


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"


I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom

but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"


And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"


What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this

is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I

hear another question. "Can I come over?"


Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could

just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a

little busy right now!!!"


Then I hear the guy say nervously...


"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other

stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"


Steven Gerrard is in the Liverpool dressing room half an hour before they play Everton. He looks round the room and senses that all is not well.

"What's up with you lot" says our illustrious captain,

"aren't you up for it, it's a derby, c'mon"

Well the general feeling in the Liverpool camp was that they couldn't be bothered they'd had a lot of games and they couldn't get motivated.

"All right, you lot go and have a drink, I'll play them on me own"

So the rest of the Liverpool team go the pub, leaving Stevie to do the job alone. After an hour or so Hyypia says to Kewell,

"Switch the telly on, let's see how Stevie' getting on"

On goes the teletext. Liverpool 1 (Gerrard 4 minutes) Everton 0.

An almighty roar is sounded in the pub. Another hour passes to which Carragher says to Alonso

"Eh, it must be full time now get the score"

Again on goes the teletext. Liverpool 1 (Gerrard 4 minutes) Everton 1 (Osman 89 minutes).

The Liverpool players were stunned.

Later when they met up with Stevie,

"What happened" they asked "How come we drew"

"I got sent off after five minutes" Stevie replied.



What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling

of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.
I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for
you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming
too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk

* a carton of eggs* 2 litres of orange juice

* a head of lettuce

* half a dozen tomatoes

* a 500g jar of coffee

* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in Front
of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing

Particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped

off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."


His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's

a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


Blonde Calendar..........


January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!


March Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!


May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!

June Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.


Sept The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???


October Hate M M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!


December Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!! 


> > In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his
> > wife with a stick any thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
> > thumb".
> >
> >
> >
> > Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
> > "Gentlemen Only.... Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered
> > into the English language.
> >
> >
> >
> > The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
> > and Wilma Flintstone
> >
> >
> >
> > Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
> >
> >
> >
> > Men can read smaller print than women can but women can hear better.
> >
> >
> >
> > Coca-Cola was originally green.
> >
> >
> >
> > It is impossible to lick your elbow.
> >
> >
> >
> > The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
> >
> >
> >
> > Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
> >
> >
> >
> > The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
> >
> >
> >
> > Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
> > history:
> >
> > Spades - King David
> >
> > Hearts - Charlemagne
> >
> > Clubs -Alexander, the Great
> >
> > Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> >
> >
> >
> > 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> >
> >
> >
> > If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
> > the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
> > the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
> > horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
> > causes.
> >
> >
> >
> > Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
> > you would find the letter "A"?
> >
> > A. One thousand
> >
> >
> >
> > Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
> > laser printers all have in common?
> >
> > A. All invented by women.
> >
> >
> >
> > Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
> >
> > A. Honey
> >
> >
> >
> > In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
> > When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
> > firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: "Goodnight, sleep tight."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
> > month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
> > with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
> > their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honeymonth,
> > which we know today as the honeymoon.
> >
> >
> >
> > In English pubs, ale was traditionally ordered by pints and quarts...
> >
> > So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell
> > at them Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get
> > the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
> >
> >
> >
> > Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
> > rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
> > used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
> > inspired by this practice.
> >
> >
> >
> > Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
> > can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
> > was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to
> > rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
> > ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
> > lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
> > can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
> >
> >
> >
> > Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
> > the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
> >
> >
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> >
> >
> > At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >



A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself ......

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"



The Official Man Utd Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.


1. ACCELERATION. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21 mph and Gary can run at 16 mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.


2. TELLING THE TIME. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time the referee will add on if Man Utd are losing at home?


3. PROBABILITY (1). Ryan Giggs is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared

to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.


4. SUBTRACTION (1). Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steau Bucharest? (For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)


5. SUBTRACTION (2). How many more times have Man Utd won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?


6. DISTANCE. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)


7. PROBABILITY (2). Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Man Utd being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Man Utd would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.


8. BASIC ACCOUNTING (1). Mark The Red lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and a prawn sandwich all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead? (Note; round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds.)


9. BASIC ACCOUNTING (2). Alex had a hotel room booked in Cardiff for the FA Cup Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?


10. WEIGHT AND PRESSURE. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponent's penalty area? (Note; Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees are accepted.)


11. MONEY. Juan was a lazy boy and often went missing. Alex was very cross and wanted to sell him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?


12. POULTRY FARMING. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Man Utd and their fans who thought Wolves were pushover?



Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a

different team in the premiership and each proclaimed to be the most loyal

of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as

to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all

the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top. The Arsenal

fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Gooners!" as

he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Newcastle fan threw

himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Magpies!" Seeing

this, the Manchester city fan walked over and shouted "This is for the true

Mancs and everyone!" and pushed the Man United fan off the side of the



What gender is a computer ?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that
in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are
grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her
French dictionary. So for fun she split the class
into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and
asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a
masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should
definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"),

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your pay check on accessories
for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if
you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women Won!!!!!!




Subject: Company Christmas party

FROM Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE December 01, 2005
RE Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of
drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...
feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.


FROM Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE December 02, 2005
RE Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are
not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy

Happy Holidays to you and your family.



FROM Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE December 03, 2005
RE Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am
I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE December 04, 2005
RE Holiday Party

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


FROM Pa! tty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO All Employees
DATE December 05, 2005
RE Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
the table closest to the rest-rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with
each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the
G! ay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short
people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We
cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?


FROM Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO All F**king Employees
DATE December 05, 2005
RE The F**king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get y! our fucking
salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have
feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE December 06, 2005
RE Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!



Catholic Elementary School Test

"How I became a good CATHOLIC"

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. if you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! these come from a catholic elementary school test where kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments the following statements about the bible were written by children. incorrect spelling has been left as is here is the listing......


in the first book of the bible, guinessis. god got tired of

creating the world so he took the sabbath off


adam and eve were created from an apple tree


noah's wife was joan of ark


noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears


lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night


the jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals


sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah


samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles


moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients


the egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments


the first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple


the seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery


moses died before he ever reached canada. then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol


the greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him


david was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times


solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines


when mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta


when the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager


jesus was born because mary had an immaculate



st. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head


jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone


it was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance


the people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels


the epistels were the wives of the apostles


one of the oppossums was st. matthew who was also a taximan


st. paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige


christians have only one spouse. this is called monotony



A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?",

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?", the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in years!".

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."



 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read..., "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?" The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened. It read..., "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at the Post Office.


>> >WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ (Passing only requires 4 correct answers out of ten)

>> >

>> >1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

>> >

>> >2) Which country makes Panama hats?

>> >

>> >3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

>> >

>> >4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

>> >

>> >5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

>> >

>> >6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

>> >

>> >7) What was King George VI's first name?

>> >

>> >8) What color is a purple finch?

>> >

>> >9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

>> >

>> >10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

>> >

>> >All done? Check your answers below!

>> >

>> >

>> >


>> > 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

>> > *116 years

>> > 2) Which country makes Panama hats?

>> > *Ecuador

>> > 3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

>> > *Sheep and Horses

>> > 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

>> > *November

>> > 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

>> > *Squirrel fur

>> > 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

>> > *Dogs

>> > 7) What was King George VI's first name?

>> > *Albert

>> > 8) What color is a purple finch?

>> > *Crimson

>> > 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

>> > *New Zealand

>> > 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

>> > *Orange, of course.


Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum and Dad,


I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!


I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!


At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the bwindmill in the back paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!


Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.


Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.


I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,




This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.


Yes, it's bloody impossible to say but very funny to read. I'm surprised the BBC allowed it - probably couldn't understand it!


A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Liverpool courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Everton Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.





A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her

life by throwing herself into the Mersey.


She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water

when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,



He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. "I'm

off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on

my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."


Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,"I'll

keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After

all,what did she have to lose?


Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That

night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From

then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of

fruit, and they made

passionate love until dawn.


Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the

captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an

arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a

trip to America, and he's screwing me."


"He certainly is," the captain said."This is the Birkenhead Ferry"


Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised

its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in

France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent

fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing

their military capability.



It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The

Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly"

to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective

combat operations" and "change sides".



The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"

to" dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels,

"invade a neighbour" and "lose".



Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from

"isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for regime

change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and

"ask the British for help".



Finally here in the UK we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to

"make another cup of tea".






You have two choices in life:


You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you

were dead.




At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,


"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"


"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."




A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:


"Husband Wanted".


Next day she received a hundred letters.


They all said the same thing:


"You can have mine."




When a woman steals your husband,


there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.




A woman is incomplete until she is married.


Then she is finished.




A little boy asked his father,


"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"


Father replied,


"I don't know son, I'm still paying."




Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africaa man


know his wife until he marries her?"


Dad: "That happens in every country, son."




Then there was a woman who said,


"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by

then, it was too late."




Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.




If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every

word you say, talk in your sleep.




Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life

thinking they had no faults at all.




First guy: My wife's an angel!"


Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."




Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street

with a bald head and a beer gut,


and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.




Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine

children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.


When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and

the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the

blind man decide to walk.


After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick

of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,


"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?


That ticking sound is driving me crazy."


The blind man replies,


"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be

riding the bus, so shut the hell up." 


At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Yuma sits a Huge Mexican.

He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay

man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage

to say something to the big Mexican.

Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks

the shit out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to

beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and

battered in the parking lot and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big

Mexican. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did

he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big Mexican replied. "Something about a job."



A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our

final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today

and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his

conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the

pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take

a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits

out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my

room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused,everyone on the plane hears this and immediately

begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new

stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn

the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's

bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta

take a shit first."


Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a

rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a

stool at the bar ...


The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit


Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.


Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.


Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!


The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets

the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.


On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.


Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .....


Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were

wondering what you do for a living?


Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession


Dave: - Oh! What's that then?


Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at



Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!


Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?


Dave: - It's in a pond!


Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden



Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.


Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a

large garden then you have a large house?


Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!


Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical

to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are

quite probably married?


Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.


Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active

with your wife on a regular basis?


Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!


Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate

very often?


Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!


Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!


Dave: - How's that then?


Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you

about your sex life!


Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!


Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.


Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?


Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!


Stuart: - What's that then?


Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?


Stuart: - Nope


Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.


"Amusing email sent to Wisden cricket magazine by an angry aussie, very funny and worth reading to the end"


I now know how they must have felt when they set fire to a couple of bails and created the Ashes legend. I feel like gathering a lot of Englishmen, a healthy portion of South Africans and a few upper and middle order Australian batsmen together with Buchannan and his laptop and setting all of the weak pr1cks alight. Their ashes could form the base for my rose garden for all I care At the very least, this Christmas day when the pasty, physically inferior milk bottles go down to Bondi and in there hundreds scream for help in the thumping 1 foot swell, I'd suggest it wouldn't be a bad thing to let them drown. And isn't it fantastic to see Matty (dropped the bundle all series) Hayden smiling again?? Like we need to see another fu^&ing Australian making every effort to win the smileathon that has become this Ashes series. At least Brett was still trying to cause grievous bodily brain damage to that smiling idiot Haggered in the dying hours. I respect a team that wins well and in honour of that spirit I stayed up to the wee hours of this morning to watch the presentation of the urn. Imagine my horror when Mark Nicholas in his best Richie Benaud impersonation tries to get a feeling from the English players. Cue Strauss--oops sorry Souith African next --Pieterson--same accent, f&%k, does anyone here even know the words to "Hope and Glory"? THE COACH, excellent, bugger..... his transval kaffa hating tone is so bad he is actually difficult to understand. The bowling coach he might be interesting to hear from, except that, you guessed it, he comes from Tasmania, sh&t. The wicketkeeper, good. Had an Aussie twang stronger than Gilly's. Mark by this stage is actually embarrassed enough to ask Errant Jones whether he is English for those wondering at home 'Course mate" he replies "just won the ashes haven't I" Can anyone tell me exactly where Murwillumbah is in England??, is it near Johannesburg? or perhaps it is near bagend in the Shire where Hoggard and his simple brother sam-wise Gamgee come from. What a crock of sh%T. Having a tattoo of some pussy cats on your arm doesn't make you English, Kev. I have to say though, that I now have a better understanding of who Kev draws upon for inspiration....... It's Michael Jackson, The hair, The walk, His questionable ball skills and that F%^&ING voice......did anyone else hear him speak?? He is certainly biting down very hard on pillows at night is our Kev, little wonder he gets on with Warnie, Shane would pick up the English Rose's (drunk slappers) and Kev would get slops--being their heartbroken boyfreinds and husbands. What a vegemite drilling hoax. At least the King of Porridge "Sir Freddie" has a wife on the terrace as opposed to Kev who could only muster at this, his greatest hour a brother who looked right at home with a glass of bubbly talking children issues with players wives.


I feel guttered and you can shove this "it's good for cricket " platitude in your ar%se. We lost to a team that had Asley Giles in it as a bowling weapon ----**** ME. We sent a bunch of spiritless pricks over on a feel good farewell tour. Well good f^&king bye. I hope they feel justifiably proud nursing their complimentary orange juice up the pointy end of the plane this morning. Cause I feel like I've had a big night on rohipnul and wandered accidently into Kevin¹s room. I am worried by the fact that given Warnies rate of impregnation that the English bowling stocks will be sensational for the next 35 years. I guess though on a positive note, I will at least see more than 2 hours sun each day for the next six months and 23% of the people I work with will not go postal on me and be diagnosed as clinically depressed by the end of winter.


I don't have to catch a tube and feel like I am going over the top into "no-mans land" every time I don't have to microwave my beer before I drink it. I can eat meat without that meat later eating my brain I don't have to consider Jamie "lovely jubblies" Oliver a countrymen, then again neither do half the team that now hold the Ashes. I don't have to wear floaties when I swim, and I don't have a national team that has been built on talent stolen from other countries. Ricky may come from Tassie but at least he is our little inbred. The Ashes are no longer............................................ ....I'm sad"


A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,


"Well, what?" said the redneck.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The redneck said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the redneck.



An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi. "Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt." "Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?"


>DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite

>tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of

>another song you like and hum that instead.


>CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by

>having a p*ss before the film starts.


>RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by

>actually speaking clearly in the first place.


>DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your

>identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along

>with your old bank statements.


>WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking

>red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to

>remove the stains.


>SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial

>tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.


>MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to


>yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.


>BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm

>sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set

>one of their dogs on you.


>EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the

>CVs into the bin.


>MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to

>the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save

>your wife from having to do it.


>GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself

>by Royal Mail.


>BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a

>very small horse is approaching.


>BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not

>wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.


>ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.


>DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn

>and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send

>them on their way.


>PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving

>everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

>morning, simply move it all back again.


>CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the

>valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.


>DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',

>simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.


>MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.

>Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think

>you are listening to the sea.


>JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in

>your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser



>SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.


>SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing

>outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and

>occasionally glancing inside.


>BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg

>into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.

>After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the



>ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the

>pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.


>McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend

>in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.


>And the absolute belter for last :


>WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a s***

>anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after

>you've been banged.



  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
  8. Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
  9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
  10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  12. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
  15. A fsh.

  16. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here ?"


Blonde Jokes Number 1

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive

blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight

to the mailbox.


She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the

house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to

the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again.


Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting

ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the

mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"


Blonde Jokes Number 2




A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"


Blonde Jokes Number 3




Blonde and her brunette friend are walking down the street and

pass a flower shop, where the brunette happens to see her

boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my

boyfriend is buying me flowers again...for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big

deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh, sure...but he always has expectations

after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending

the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"



Nominated as UK's best short joke


I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".


They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."


Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this...........


 We can do this !!



I'll forward anything if it will help fight terrorism.


We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.


So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.


All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not terrorists, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.


And since the Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.


The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti terrorist activity.


God bless Australia




Corporate Lesson #1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower.


The doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.


Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"


"It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies.


"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"


Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson #2:


A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit apart to reveal a shapely leg. The priest nearly had an accident.


After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand onto her thigh.


The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"


The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her thigh again. The nun once again said, "Father, please remember Psalm 129!"


The priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."


Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson #3:


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I normally grant three wishes, but as there are three of you, I'll give each of you just one wish."


"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."


Poof! She's gone.


"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life by my side."


Poof! He's gone.


"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson #4:


A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered:


"Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing all day, you must be sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson #5:


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."


"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients.."


The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.


Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.


Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullsh1t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


THREE WISHES................


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.


The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"


The woman said, "That's okay."


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will look to?"


The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."


The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."


So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."



We can do this !! 


> An Irishman applies for a job but the foreman won't employ him until he

> passes a little maths test.


> "Here's your first question" the foreman said. "Without using numbers,

> represent the number 9".


> "Without numbers?" the Irishman said "Dat is easy" and proceeds to draw

> three trees.


> "What's this?" the boss asks.


> "Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine" says the

> Irishman.


> "Fair enough" says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the

> same rules using the number 99 this time".


> The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that

> he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree "Dere you go".


> The Boss scratches his head and asks "How on each do you get that to

> represent 99?"


> "Each of da trees is dirty now. So it's dirty tree and dirty tree and

> dirty tree. Dat equals 99".


> The Boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give

> the Irishman the job, so he says "All right, final question: same rules

> again, but represent the number 100".


> The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture

> again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Dere you go,

> one hundred".


> The Boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if

> you think that represents a hundred".


> Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of

> each tree, saying "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So

> now you have got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty

> tree and a turd. Dat makes 100. So when do I be starting the job?".



A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children ! His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I sh*gged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a*se".

"No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"



The 96 were watching as we walked out in Istanbul
And Shanks and Bob and Emlyn, they were looking down as well
It seemed to be all over when Milan scored their three goals
But someone else was watching and that man was a Pole.
So the folks up there in heaven were a little bit surprised
When Pope John Paul the second appeared right before their eyes
He smiled at Shanks and Bob and Em knelt down and said some prayers
Then turned back towards the lads and said "I just spoke to Him upstairs
He can't do much that's obvious, but he'll see what he can do
He thinks it might be better if you played a 3-5-2
He saw the team was struggling, and that Finnan needed a rest
But don't you worry lads 'cause now the 'keepers gloves are blessed
You see - the lad in nets is one of mine So I put in a request
"I know I lived in Italy, down in the Vatican
But I can't quite bring myself to be shouting for Milan
So the words gone down to Rafa, to do the best he can
He whispered very quietly he'd do better with Hamman
He's says you'll be alright from now The game it isn't dead
And things will soon get better if young Steve uses his head
It was Vladi's birthday yesterday and the man owes him some luck
He'll even do the decent thing and make Milan Baros duck
We owe Xavi a big favour because of the broken leg
But he'll need to chase the follow up and score with his left peg
And then just to make it interesting He's ordered extra time
And we'll see how good them gloves are when Dudek saves it off the line.

We've done everything we can to make sure the ball stays out.
But we cannot interfere with the penalty shoot-out.
So Shanks, Bob, Emlyn and good ol' Pope Johnny Paul
Watched the match in wonder and cheered on every goal
And full time went to extra time with the fans nervously sick
And they waited until the time came for Serginho's first spot kick
Serghino he missed the goal, and Pirlo's shot was saved
But Didi and Lord Frodsham proved their nerves were not so frayed
Then Thomason put one in, but Riise missed his shot
Then Kaka scored, and Smicer scored, the atmosphere was red hot
And then almost in slow motion it was time for Shevchenko's chance
But Dudek had different ideas and did a little dance
Then waited for a second as the ball came flying in
Dived to the right and parried it to save it for the win
And as they looked down on all the fans and scenes of wild abandon
Em turned to old Pope Johnny Paul and put his arm around him
And said "That was unbelievable, the best game without doubt -
But I thought you said you wouldn't help with the penalty shoot out?"
John Paul looked up and smiled and said "Look son, it wasn't me"
And I wouldn't doubt the word of God in truth and honesty
So Emlyn he was puzzled as the crowd was going wild
But in the corner, on their cloud,
Shanks and Paisley sat and smiled.
The moral of the story is that money can't buy success
And neither can a constant whinge to people in the press
And writing a team off when the clock reaches half time
Might just result in something coming out of the divine
Because Shanks and Paisley knew, as the cup was coming home
God wears the red of Liverpool and we'll NEVER WALK ALONE!!!


A bloke on his way into work this morning came to a complete halt in traffic and thinks to himself "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars So he rolls down his window and asks: "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up? " The officer replies: " It's a Man Utd fan, he's just so depressed about losing the Premiership to Arsenal last season and again to Chelsea this season, being knocked out of Europe, losing in the FA Cup final, selling out to a yank and winning naff all after mouthing off all season, whilst Liverpool have won the European Cup. He's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and his mates are all laughing at him. I'm walking around taking a collection

for him.

" Oh really? " says the bloke " How much have you collected so far?".

" Only about a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning. "



Basic Guide To Aussie Life



The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.


The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.


Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of

a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved

by a sausage sizzle.


If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's

probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.



There is no food that cannot be improved by the

application of tomato sauce.


On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and

wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked

this out.


Industrial design knows of no article more useful than

the plastic milk crate.


All our best heroes are losers.


The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue

tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.


It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to



A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in

America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas

wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.


It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total

bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".


Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate"

can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the

1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".

Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.


The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not

only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.


If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire,

it's not worth fixing.


The most popular and widely praised family in any street

is the one that has the swimming pool.


It's considered better to be down on your luck than up



The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone

in the family drinks too much.


If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine

and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll

have catered for it).


If there's any sort of free event or party within a

hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.


The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should

take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to

the car, you're not trying.


Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit

down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about,

gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's

what backyards are for.


The tarred road always ends just after the house of the

local mayor.


On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog

battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind. 



Dear Alcohol:

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My

friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's

hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of

endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about

your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests

at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise


1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,

I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or

necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /

girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the

day, let alone all hours of the night?


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that

I eat a taco with chilli sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some

stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few

cheese curls & chilli cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went

too far this time.


3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do

more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by

causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue

marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key

into the lock.


4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting

ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be

in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My

entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,

vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on

the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no

way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like

to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories,

the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just

don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review

My grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer

no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions

& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, your

biggest fan



1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder



1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing


It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying

the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by

the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent

him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old

Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her

lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom

where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever


When he had had enough they went downstairs .

Where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast:

Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's

bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,

"but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told

my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something

special for you."

"I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said,

"The breakfast was my idea."




Difference between guts and balls




Do you know the difference between "guts" and "balls"?


Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you

still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*ss

and having the balls to say, "You're next!"




A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared!

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope,

sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.

So... what'll it be?"


The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I

want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony."


The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These

countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after

being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I

don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."


The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find

the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and

help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my

family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That's what I wish for ... a good man."


The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f***ing map again."





A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars...... but realistically,..... we're living with two sluts and a queer.






A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bed room apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."




14 things to do in a supermarket


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys

when they aren't looking.


2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.


3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.


4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3

in Housewares... and see what happens.


5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.


6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers

you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from

the Bedding Department.


8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why

can't you people just leave me alone?"


9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your



10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if

knows where the anti-depressants are located.


11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the

theme from Mission Impossible.


12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say:



13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor

and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices



And last but not least:


14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... Then shout

loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"




 A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.


The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.


"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal

at only $20."


"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.


"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a

result its language is a touch fruity".


"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad

minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".


So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.


Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the

woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam"


"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to



A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.


"Un-f**king believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new

prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.


"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complains the

girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.


A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.


" F **cking incredible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the

same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?"






"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd

better have a good hand." -- Woody Allen




"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

-- Rodney Dangerfield




"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,

particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --

Lynn Lavner




"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -- Camille Paglia




"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are

unimportant." -- George Burns




"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole

relationship." -- Sharon Stone




"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf

is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods




"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack





"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he

never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US

First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)




"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals

through his wallet." -- Robin Williams




"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal




"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing

in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say

that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --

Robert De Niro




"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are

having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe

swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman




"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know

what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." -- Jerry Seinfeld




"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough

blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams




" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." --

Joan Rivers




"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money

can buy." -- Steve Martin




"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little

things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay

good money for in later life." -- Elmo Phillips




"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde




"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." --

George Burns