------------------------------------------------------------

MODERN PARABLE. .

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes, and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

The End.

Here's something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
------------
IF THIS WEREN'T TRUE, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY !

AMA Notice


American Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken
blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay
better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..


'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

Subject: KIDS ARE QUICK . . .

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Patricia, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

PATRICIA: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

A stunning senior moment...

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen next to him why it's impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

''You grew up in a different world, almost a primitive one'', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

''The young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing and more.''

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she
said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.

'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man called Dave from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

...................................................................................................................................................................
Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Dave

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:

'Paddy will you please draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future ?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'

'Silly buggers ! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday. !!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall to the Taliban and is not pleased to find women must walk 5 paces behind the men.

A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk 5 paces being women.

She asked the interpreter 'what brought about the change ?'

He replied 'land mines!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year
ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

Now that sounds like good advice?

Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
*************************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
*************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
****************************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have a go at this one.
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive',
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: * 370H-SSV-0773H*
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.
Eventually they asked the Mossad for help. Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.

'Oh, No, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes', the man
replied

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position still clasping his
hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away

and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)


What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports
commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was
amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely
horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and
even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I
should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the
opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that
nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is
playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMAN'S DIARY
21 July 2008 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, he just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 21 July

Australia lost the rugby.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Must read with the accent!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman with a beard gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:

"Can we have s*x ?"
"No,' she replies, 'I'm married to God.'

She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the policeman with a beard and says :
'I can tell you how to get to have s*x with her !'
' Yeah ?', says the policeman with a beard.
' Yeah', say the bus driver. 'She goes to the cemetery every
Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous
powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God'

The policeman with a beard decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

'I am God,' he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, 'You must have s*x with me'

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal s*x, as she is desperate not to lose her
virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

Ha-ha!,' he cries. 'I am the policeman with a beard"

Ha-ha!,' cries the nun. 'I am the bus driver '

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on
the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

Subject: Two Kiwis
.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------

>
> DORMITORY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> DIRTY ROOM
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> PRESBYTERIAN:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> BEST IN PRAYER
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ASTRONOMER:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> MOON STARER
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
> A ROPE ENDS IT
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE EYES: !
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THEY SEE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> GEORGE BUSH:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HE BUGS GORE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE MORSE CODE :
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HERE COME DOTS
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SLOT MACHINES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> CASH LOST IN ME
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ANIMOSITY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IS NO AMITY
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ELECTION RESULTS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> SNOOZE ALARMS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A DECIMAL POINT:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IM A DOT IN PLACE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE EARTHQUAKES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THAT QUEER SHAKE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> TWELVE PLUS ONE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>
> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> WOMAN HITLER

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This is unbelievable:

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
600 employees and has the following employee statistics .

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year


Which organisation is this ?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest
of us inline.

What a bunch of b*****ds we have running our country - it says it
all. And just to top all that they probably have the
best 'corporate' pension scheme in the
country!!
If you agree that this is an appalling state of affairs, please
pass it on to everyone you know. It's time to stand up to this lot

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy.......but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.....

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Supportive husbands

News paper article.....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.


His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is so true! - They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

----------------------------------------------------------

Evolution of British maths teaching

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

--------------------------------------------------

A Message from John Cleese

Only He can.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, now you know what to do in the supermarket if you are a little bored..

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to

get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she

loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from

the local Tescos.

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a

commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to

ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Woodward are listed

put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

to go off at 5-minute intervals.

leading to the women's restroom.

right away.'

put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

a carpeted area.

blankets from the bedding department.

alone?'

camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

people browsed through, yelled

'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least.

here!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.''Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

-----------------------------------------------------------

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case.

Subject: Estate planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die,and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

for a 59-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, then she asked if I'd
ever Had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
but, boy, are they funny!


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
[these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document·'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in elephant poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [Ouch!]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said,

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard- but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. .........They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,''said the Lord.
'The British government beat me to it.'

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Subject: Council Tax

WOMEN DRIVERS

Driving to the office this morning on the M25 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

Bloody Women Drivers!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black ......
were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a
conversation:

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"


The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ....
the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?

"Gonna cut my nuts off," replied the brown lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I dig up carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug
a great big hole In my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.


"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I
want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out
of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes -- and I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."


The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, cheerfully, "Hell no, I'm here to get my nails clipped

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Speeding Ticket

-------------------------------------------------------------

‘Mom, why are wedding dresses white?’ The mother looks at her son and replies,

‘Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’

------------------------------------------------------------

> > Subject: FW: A heart-warming tale to brighten your day
> >
> >
> >
> > This is a quick story about the bond formed
> > between a little girl and a
> > group of building workers. It's
> > allegedly true and
> > makes you want to
> > believe in the goodness of people
> > and that there
> > is hope for the human
> > race.
> >
> > A young family moved into a house
> > next door to a
> > vacant building plot.
> >
> > One day Joe, Steve and a gang of
> > building workers
> > turned up to start
> > building a house on the empty plot.
> >
> > The young family's 5-year-old
> > daughter naturally
> > took an interest in the
> > workers. She hung around and eventually the
> > builders, all with hearts of
> > gold, more or less adopted the
> > little girl as a
> > sort of project mascot.
> > They chatted with her, let her sit
> > with them while
> > they had tea and
> > lunch breaks, and gave her little
> > jobs to do here
> > and there to make her
> > feel important.
> >
> > They even gave her, her very own hard hat and
> > gloves.
> >
> > At the end of the first week they
> > presented her
> > with a pay envelope
> > containing two pounds in 10p coins.
> >
> > The little girl took her 'pay' home
> > to her mother
> > who suggested that
> > they take the money she had received
> > to the bank
> > the next day to start a
> > savings account.
> >
> > When they got to the bank the
> > cashier was tickled
> > pink listening to the
> > little girl telling her about her
> > 'work' on the
> > building site and the
> > fact she had a 'pay packet'.
> >
> > "You must have worked very hard to
> > earn all this",
> > said the bank
> > cashier.
> >
> > The little girl proudly replied, "I
> > worked all
> > last week with the men
> > building a big house."
> >
> > "My goodness gracious," said the
> > cashier, "Will
> > you be working on the
> > house again this week, as well?"
> >
> >
> >
> > The little girl thought for a moment
> > and said...
> > "I think so. Provided
> > those c*nts at Jewsons deliver the
> > f*cking bricks.
> >

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he Fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion.

So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a

26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Howard enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

Subject: FW: A fairy tale

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag, and bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....
and it was just ONE day.

The End

Subject: The Importance of CONCENTRATION

don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye feel hoor thats full O' coos Sharn" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LITTLE BERNIE

Little Bernie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.


Little Bernie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I Was at the
playground and saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Bernie, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see
the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Bernie to tell his story. Bernie
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing

that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


Mommy fainted!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>
>>>The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an >>>appointment
>>>with the
>>>most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when >>>Paddy
>>>shows up with his solicitor.
>>>
>>>The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
>>>full-time employment, which you
>>>explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland
>>>Revenue finds that believable."
>>>
>>>"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a
>>>demonstration?"
>>>
>>>The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
>>>
>>>Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
>>>
>>>The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
>>>
>>>Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
>>>
>>>The auditor's jaw drops.
>>>
>>>Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my >>>other
>>>eye."
>>>
>>>The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
>>>
>>>Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
>>>
>>>The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid,
>>>with Paddy's solicitor as a
>>>witness. He starts to get nervous.
>>>
>>>"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six
>>>thousand pound that I can stand on
>>>one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, >>>and
>>>never get a drop anywhere in between."
>>>
>>>The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
>>>decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
>>>
>>>Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
>>>strains like hell, he can't make the stream
>>>reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
>>>auditor's desk.
>>>
>>>The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major >>>loss
>>>into a big win. But Paddy's
>>>solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
>>>
>>>"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
>>>
>>>"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
>>>been summoned for an audit, he bet
>>>me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and >>>that
>>>you'd be happy about it!"
>>>

------------------------------------------------------------------------

>Subject: FW: KIWI
>
>
>
>
>>>An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
>>>Small
>>>village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
>>>
>>>He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
>>>
>>>"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
>>>
>>>Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
>>>
>>>Dog: "Doin' all right."
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
>Villager)
>>>
>>>Dog: "Yep"
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
>>>
>>>Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
>>>
>>>And takes me to the lake once a week to play."
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
>>>
>>>Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?
>>>
>>>Horse: "Cool"
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
>>>
>>>Horse: "Yep"
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
>>>
>>>Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
>>>Brushes
>me
>>>down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
>>>Elements."
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
>>>
>>>Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
>>>
>>>Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

Subject: Three Priest and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to
another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory,
he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up
and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way
to start."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mrs Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, she was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on her!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Subject: FW: Ghosts

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Golfing Truths

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: joke

>>>>>Morning sex
>>>>>She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
>>>>>He walked in; She turned and said,
>>>>>You've got to make love to me this very moment."
>>>>>His eyes lit up and he thought,
>>>>>"This is my lucky day."
>>>>>Not wanting to lose the moment,
>>>>>he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen
>>>>>table.
>>>>>Afterwards she said,
>>>>>"Thanks," and returned to the stove.
>>>>>More than a little puzzled, he asked,
>>>>>"What was that all about?"
>>>>>She explained,
>>>>>"The egg timer's broken."
>>>>>

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: joke

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>Subject: : another joke
>
>The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
>to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a
>disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me? a faithful wife,
>the mother of your children! I'm
>leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
>And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
>happened".
>"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
>me!"
>And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
>lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
>out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
>noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
>dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
>compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you
>last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
>weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good
>clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her
>clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she
>needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few
>years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her
>the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear
>because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you
>for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those
>boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
>work has a pair like them.."
>
>He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
>understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with
>tears in her eyes and said 'Please. do you have anything else that your wife
>doesn't use?

Subject: Beer

Beer contains female hormones:


Last month, National University of Michigan scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.


Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down to urinate.

No further testing was considered necessary.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>
>>> Mandy lost her husband almost four years ago and
>>> still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is
>>> constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the
>>>world. Finally,
>>> Mandy says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter
>>>immediately
>>> replies: "Mum, I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an
>>>immediate hit.
>>> They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks
>>>her to join him
>>> for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she
>>>undresses as he does.
>>> There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties,
>>>he in his
>>> birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
>>>She
>>> replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
>>>explore, but
>>> down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting
>>>lucky that night...
>>> The following night the same scenario. She's standing there
>>>with the black
>>> panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ...
>>>
>>> Except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and
>>>asks: "What's with this black
>>> condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>
>>>Subject: FW: INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE - SMILE!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
>>>
>>>
>>>There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone".
>>>So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and
>>>asked
>>>everyone not to call him Onestone.
>>>
>>>After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
>>>said, "If
>>>anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
>>>around
>>>and nobody called him that any more.
>>>
>>>Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>>>morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep
>>>into the
>>>forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
>>>love
>>>to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>>>
>>>The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
>>>do.
>>>Years went by and
>>>no one dared call him by his given name until a
>>>woman
>>>named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
>>>many years.
>>>
>>>Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
>>>saw
>>>Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>>>
>>>Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
>>>love
>>>to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
>>>the next
>>>day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
>>>die.
>>>
>>>
>>>What is the moral of this story?????
>>>........................OH, come on...take a guess!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Think about it
>>>(You're going to love this!)
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>And the moral is...
>>>
>>>You can't kill two birds with one stone!
>>>

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir."

The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"NEW NUDIST"

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes

over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way

with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge,

hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?"says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you

fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month...............but I fart 15 times a day."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> > A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so
> > he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.,"I am going golfing
> > tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take
> > care
> > of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"
> > "Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
> > The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
> > Paddy, how was your day?
> > Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
> > "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
> > "Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
> > "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Gaviscon
> > "Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
> > doctor.
> > "Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
>enters.
> > Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything
> > including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading
> > her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
> > "Good God says the doctor.What did you
> > "I put drops in her eyes!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rules of Being a Man

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

20: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say, "Roll over, fatty, you’re next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood

---------------------------------------------------------------------

How tough are Aussies??

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire
flickering,stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia,
one from South Africa and one from New Zealand.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous, the night of
Tales begin...

Keven the Kiwi says:

"I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the
other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of
the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the
crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer
hends".

Alan from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said:

"Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a
tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a
move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head
off then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm
still here today".

Terry, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his
Penis.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>>> Nelson Mandela
>>>> Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a
>>>>beer when
>>>> he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is
>>>>confronted by a
>>>> little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You
>>>>Sign!
>>>> You sign!"
>>>>
>>>> Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
>>>>
>>>> Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the
>>>>Chinese man
>>>> starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
>>>>
>>>> Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong
>>>>man", and
>>>> shuts the door in his face..
>>>>
>>>> The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he
>>>>opens it,
>>>> the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake
>>>>pads. He
>>>> thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose, yelling, "You sign!
>>>>You sign!"
>>>>
>>>> Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes
>>>>the
>>>> little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got
>>>>the
>>>> wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his
>>>>face again.
>>>>
>>>> The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the
>>>>afternoon, he
>>>> hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there
>>>>is the
>>>> same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,
>>>> shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large
>>>>trucks
>>>> full of car parts..
>>>>
>>>> This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the
>>>>little
>>>> man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want
>>>>these!
>>>> Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you
>>>>have to
>>>> deliver these to?"
>>>>
>>>> The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his
>>>>clipboard,
>>>> and says:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> (It's a beauty)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> (Wait for it)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> > Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
>>>
>>> >
>>> > I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in
>>>Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me
>>>asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting
>>>The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
>>>up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
>>>I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
>>>my orifices and Ivs in both arms.
>>> >
>>> > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
>>>the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot
>>>nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
>>>food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
>>>
>>> >
>>> > I have to mention here that practically everyone in
>>>the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
>>>behind her.
>>> >
>>> > Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital
>>>in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was
>>>because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
>>>
>>> >
>>> > I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he
>>>was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
>>> >
>>> > Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

The following is an actual question given on a
university of Washington chemistry mid-term; the
answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which I of course, is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle¢s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed).

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into
Hell and the rate at which they are leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different Religions that exist in the world
today, most of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa,
(Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during
my Freshman year that,
"it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you",
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night
and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, Teresa kept shouting

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>
>> >How to deal with rude customers
>> >
>> >
>> >For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers
>> >
>> >An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in
>>Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
>>when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
>> >
>> >A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had
>>been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long
>>line of inconvenienced travellers.
>> >
>> >Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
>>slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
>> >
>> >"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
>> >
>> >The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
>> >you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll
>>be able to work something out."
>> >
>> >The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
>>passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
>> >
>> >Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
>>address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your
>> >attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
>>If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
>> >
>> >With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
>>glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
>> >
>> >Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit).................
>> >
>> >
>> >"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> >
>>> >I think tis is a little sexist!!
>>> >
>>> >How to Make a Woman Happy
>>> > It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs
>>>to be:
>>> >
>>> > 1. a friend
>>> > 2. a companion
>>> > 3. a lover
>>> > 4. a brother
>>> > 5. a father
>>> > 6. a master
>>> > 7. a chef
>>> > 8. an electrician
>>> > 9. a carpenter
>>> > 10. a plumber
>>> > 11. a mechanic
>>> > 12. a decorator
>>> > 13. a stylist
>>> > 14. a sexologist
>>> > 15. a gynaecologist
>>> > 16. a psychologist
>>> > 17. a pest exterminator
>>> > 18. a psychiatrist
>>> > 19. a healer
>>> > 20. a good listener
>>> > 21. an organizer
>>> > 22. a good father
>>> > 23. very clean
>>> > 24. sympathetic
>>> > 25. athletic
>>> > 26. warm
>>> > 27. attentive
>>> > 28. gallant
>>> > 29. intelligent
>>> > 30. funny
>>> > 31. creative
>>> > 32. tender
>>> > 33. strong
>>> > 34. understanding
>>> > 35. tolerant
>>> > 36. prudent
>>> > 37. ambitious
>>> > 38. capable
>>> > 39. courageous
>>> > 40. determined
>>> > 41. true
>>> > 42. dependable
>>> > 43. passionate
>>> > 44. compassionate
>>> >
>>> > WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
>>> >
>>> > 45. give her compliments regularly
>>> > 46. love shopping
>>> > 47. be honest
>>> > 48. be very rich
>>> > 49. not stress her out
>>> > 50. not look at other girls
>>> >
>>> > AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
>>> >
>>> > 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
>>> > 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
>>> > 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
>>>goes
>>> >
>>> > IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
>>> >
>>> > 54. Never to forget:
>>> > * birthdays
>>> > * anniversaries
>>> > * arrangements she makes
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
>>> >
>>> > 1. Show up naked
>>> > 2. Bring food

----------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> >>>> A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
> >>>> her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
> >>>>
> >>>> "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
> >>>>
> >>>> Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
> >>>> says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
> >>>> it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
> >>>>
> >>>> Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
> >>>> collateral.
> >>>>
> >>>> The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
> >>>> elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
> >>>>
> >>>> Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
> >>>> bank manager and disappears into a back office.
> >>>>
> >>>> She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
> >>>> Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
> >>>> $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
> >>>>
> >>>> She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
> >>>> this?"
> >>>>
> >>>> (you're gonna love this)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (its a real treat)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (a masterpiece)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (wait for it)
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> The bank manager looks back at her and says...
> >>>>
> >>>> "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
> >>>> man's a Rolling Stone."
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
> >>>>

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet
first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being
The fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer,
bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
Ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down On your leg."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a

blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more
tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle

grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel
of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as Much if it's
all greased up."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops
in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months,
and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of
60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6
per 100,000 persons for the same period.


That means that you are about 25% more likely to
be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept
in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights
in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has
anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>
>>>A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
>>>Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
>>realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
>>>
>>>After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
>>animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>>>
>>>One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
>>>cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
>>>romance.
>>As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
>>lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
>>>
>>>But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
>>>until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of
>>>them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
>>>
>>>A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
>>>
>>>The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
>>>the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
>>>rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was
>>>well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another
>>beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect
>>>for a night of romance.
>>>
>>>Pretty soon,the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought
>>>the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the
>>>young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:...
>>>.
>>>.
>>>.
>>>.
>>>.
>>>.
>>>"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law".

The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------

>A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, I
>
> >> have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had
>
>
> >> sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
>
> >>
>
> >> The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger
>
> >> and take three Hail Mary's for your penance" Soon, another man enters
>
>
> >> the confessional. "Father, I have sinned, it has been two months
>
> >> since my last confession.
>
> >I
>
> >> have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
>
> >>
>
> >> This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fanny Green?
>
> >> "A new woman in the parish," the sinner replies.
>
> >> "Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be
>
> >> stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your
>
> >> Penance."
>
> >>
>
> >> The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the
>
> >> Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's
>
> >> eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
>
> >> in the
>
>pew
>
> >> right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with
>
> >> matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as
>
> >> the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon
>
> >> Stone-style.
>
> >>
>
> >> The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that
>
> >> Fanny Green?"
>
> >>
>
> >> The altar boy quietly replies,
>
> >> "No Father, I think it's just the reflection from off her shoes."
>
>
>

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------------

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will get you to the top!

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will get you to the top!

---------------------------------------------------------------

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: OLD POODLE

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari

in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named

Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and

before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly

in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep

doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close

by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones

with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the

leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims

loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder

if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack

in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he

slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard,

"That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the

whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put

this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection

from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle

sees him heading after the leopard with great speed,

and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon

catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and

strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool

of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see

what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with

the monke y on his back and thinks, "What am I going

to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits

down with his back to his attackers, pretending he

hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close

enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour

ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will

always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and

brilliance only come with age and experience.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly
>>a brand-new BMW drives up in a
>>cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci
>>shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and
>>asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have
>>in your flock, will you give me one?"
>>The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
>>his peacefully grazing flock and calmly
>>answers: "Sure. Why not?"
>>The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
>>connects it to his AT&T cell phone,
>>surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS
>>satellite navigation system to get an exact
>>fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
>>that scans the area in an
>>ultra-high-resolution photo.
>>The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
>>exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
>>Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
>>image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
>>MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
>>hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
>>email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
>>response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on
>>his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to
>>the shepherd and says:
>>"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
>>"That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.", says
>>the shepherd.
>>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
>>amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then
>>the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
>>what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? "
>>The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:"Okay, why
>>not?"
>>"You’re a consultant." says the shepherd.
>>"Wow! That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
>>that?"
>>"No guessing required", answered the shepherd.
>>"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
>>paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and
>>you don’t know crap about my business…

Now give me back my dog."

Subject: FW: 12 priests

>

>1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

>

>2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

>

>3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

>

>4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

>

>5. You hear your favourite song in a lift.

>

>6. You watch the Weather Channel.

>

>7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

>

>8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 14.

>

>9. Jeans and jumper no longer qualify as "dressed up."

>

>10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door

>won't turn down the stereo.

>

>11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

>

>12. You don't know what time Kebab shop closes anymore.

>

>13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

>

>14. You feed your dog Iams instead of McDonald's leftovers.

>

>15. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.

>

>16. You take naps.

>

>17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

>

>18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather

>than settle, your stomach.

>

>19. You go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and

>pregnancy tests.

>

>20. A £3.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good ####."

>

>21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

>

>22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to

>drink that much again."

>

>23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

>

>24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

>

>25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead

>of asking "Oh ####, what the hell happened?"

>

>

>Bonus:

>

>26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't

>apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you

>forward

>it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.

>

>

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh!, Killed any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females', he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone'.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Idle thoughts of a retiree's wandering mind


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know whether these comments arose in England or Australia but very true anyway.

Subject: FW: IT WAS INEVITABLE



> Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
>
> A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
>
>
>
> Q. What is the height of optimism?
>
> A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.
>
>
>
> Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
> almost always takes a wicket?
>
> A. A bat.
>
>
>
> Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
>
> A. An all rounder.
>
>
>
> Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones

> have over the rest of their team-mates?
>
> A. At least they can say they're not really English.
>
>
>
> Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
>
> A. Three runs in three balls.
>
>
>
> Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
>
> A. A bowler.
>
>
>
> >>Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
>
> >>batsmen?
>
> >>A. The walk back to the pavilion.
>
>
>
> Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
>
> A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
>
>
>
> Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
>
> A. Because he was born in England.
>
>
>
> Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
>
> A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
>
>
>
> Q. What's the English version of LBW?
>
> A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
>
>
>
> Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English
team?
>
> A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.
>

And there is no rain here to help make the game a draw! 5-0.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

>Quickie #1
>One day, Joe Smithi came home from a hard day at the office and was greeted by his wife dressed in
>a very sexy nightie.
>
>"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>
>So he tied her up and went fishing.
>

>Quickie #2
>A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
>lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
>
>The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
>
>"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
>

Quickie #3
>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>

>Quickie #4
>A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
>showed him a card with the letter s: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
>"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>
>"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>

>Quickie #5
>Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
>convent."
>
>"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>

>Quickie #6
>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>
>"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
>NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
>MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>
>Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
>Have you LOST your mind?
>
>Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
>them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
>
>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
>The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
>like when I'm driving."
>
>

Quickie #7
>Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
>was drafted by the Army.
>
>On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
>That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
>
>On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
>afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
>
>On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
>been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOOD SCOTTISH SHORT JOKE...

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of

her glasses, and says,

"F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please note that as from 01 January 2002,

when the Europeans change their currency;

the term "spending a penny" will be replaced

with the word "Euronating"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Honesty is the best policy ??????

Subject: Fwd: : Radio Competition

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in

Chicago.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The

game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if

they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant

answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal

questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner

(with

phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same

three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular

game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop

to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard

yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of

'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,

Florida if

you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only

please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have

said that

if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock

This morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying

with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous

Hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get

this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

( 3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch

tones.... ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air

Right now and

I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows

not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know

the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

Completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,

Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be

off

To Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World.

Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to

work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to

protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one

question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us

and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a

Station break....

[doyathinktheywon?]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few risque ones here, but true! Have a good week end

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

A. Well-hung.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 2 stone

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A: The swallow.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving

their minds?

A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The future leaders of Britain show off their brain power.

Subject: GCSEs

>The following questions and genuine answers that were collated from

last

>year's GCSE exams.

>

> Geography

>

>

>Q: Name the four seasons.

>

>A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

>

>

>

>Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

drink.

>

>A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants

>like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

>

>

>

>Q: How is dew formed?

>

>A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

>

>

>

>Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

>

>A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water

tends to

>flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

nature

>abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

>

>

>Sociology

>

>

>Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

>

>A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

>

>

>

>Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

>

>A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

>

>

>

>Q: What are steroids?

>

>A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

>

>

>

>Biology

>

>

>Q: What happens to your body as you age?

>

>A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

>

>

>

>Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

>

>A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

>

>

>

>Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?

>

>A: Premature death.

>

>

>

>Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

>

>A. Keep it in the cow. [He got an A!]

>

>

>

>Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)

>

>A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax

and

>the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax

contains the

>heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels

>

> A, E, I, O & U

>

>

>

>Q: What is the Fibula?

>

>A: A small lie.

>

>

>

>Q: What does "varicose" mean?

>

>A: Nearby.

>

>

>

>Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

>

>A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

>

>

>

>Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

>

>A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

>

>

>

>Q: What is a seizure?

>

>A: A Roman emperor.

>

>

>

>Q: What is a terminal illness?

>

>A: When you are sick at the airport.

>

>

>

>Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

>

>A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like

>umbrellas.

>

>

>

>English

>

>

>

>Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

>meaning.

>

>A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

>

>

>

>Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

>

>A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

>

>

>

>Technology

>

>

>

>Q: What is a turbine?

>

>A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> >SIZE DOES MATTER

> >

> >Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had

to

> >confess to her man about her childhood illness.

> >She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at

the

> >maturity of a 12-year old.

> >He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However,Jim

> felt

> >this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a

> >deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a

> >problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could

deal

> >with that once we are married."

> >She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size

> >penis."

> >Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

> >Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,

> >teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants,she

> >began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out

> what

> >was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

> >"Yes, it is.....8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

Subject: Celebration

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. And my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I tried a new cock," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>> > Essex Girl Jokes
>> >
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>> > An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
>> >
>> > "How many children?" asks the council worker.
>> >
>> > "10" replies the Essex girl.
>> >
>> > "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
>> >
>> > "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
>>and Wayne."
>> >
>> > "Doesn't that get confusing?"
>> >
>> > "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
>> > playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY,
>>or
>> > WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
>> >
>> > "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the
>>perturbed council worker.
>> >
>> > "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
>> >
>> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
>>garment on the counter.
>> >
>> > "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
>> >
>> > "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
>> >
>> > "No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."
>> >
>> >
>>------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
>> >
>> > The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
>> >
>> > She says "I'll take the red one."
>> >
>> > The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
>> >
>> >
>>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped
>>and bleeding.
>> >
>> > The paramedics soon arrive on site.
>> >
>> > Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
>> > questions?"
>> >
>> > Girl: "OK"
>> >
>> > Medic: "What's your name?"
>> >
>> > Girl: "Sharon."
>> >
>> > Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Yes."
>> >
>> > Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Romford, mate."
>> >
>> >
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
>> >
>> > It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on
>> > the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please
>>be careful!"
>> >
>> > "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's fucking
>> > hundreds of 'em!"
>> >
>> >
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's
>>Blood everywhere.
>> >
>> > The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
>>she's lying flat out on the floor.
>> >
>> > Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Ok."
>> >
>> > Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
>> >
>> > Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
>> >
>> >
>>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >
>> > An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl
>> > notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
>> >
>> > She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but
>>why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
>> >
>> > The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
>> > "Well,oim little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight
>> > foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
>> >
>> > "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers
>>'ave got C&A on them!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in an

small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious

building after an all night drinking binge.

The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the

typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to

the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted

them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of

lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says " Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want

the pleasure a beer and a pillow.". The Sultan grants his wishes.

With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his

naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to

painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on

his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before

smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan

thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given

he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the

whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully

endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under

his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the

number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.

The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish

but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up

during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at

each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show

how tough he is.

The Sultan ask the Aussie for his second wish.

"Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

-----------------------------------------------------

ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and

AFL stands for Australian Football League

Does the following apply to the

ARL OR AFL?

This is good !!!!

36

have been accused of spousal abuse

7

have been arrested for fraud

19

have been accused of writing bad checks

117

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3

have done time for assault

71,

repeat

71 cannot

get a credit card due to bad credit

14

have been arrested on drug-related charges

8

have been arrested for shoplifting

21

currently

are defendants in lawsuits, and

84

have been arrested for drunk driving

in

the last year

Can

you guess which organization this is?

Give

up yet? . . . Scroll down,

Neither,

it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

The

same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year

designed to keep the rest of us in line.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------> >
> > Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
> > Female customer: A white one...
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
> > Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
> > Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
> > Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
> > Customer: No,wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
>still on
> > my
> > desk... sorry....
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left
>of the
> > screen.
> > Customer: Your left or my left?
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
> > Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> > Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
> > Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm
>not Bill
> > Gates.
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
>Every time
> > I
> > try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the
>printer and
> > placed
> > it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
>can't find
> > it...
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> > Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
> > Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
> >
> > ===============
> >
> > Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
> > Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the
>7-11.
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> > Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
> > Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> > Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> > Customer: OK
> > Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
> > Customer: Yes
> > Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
>there
> > another
> > keyboard?
> > Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
>work...
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in
>apple, a
> > capital
> > letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> > Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Customer: can't get on the Internet.
> > Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
> > Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> > Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
> > Customer: Five stars.
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
> > Customer: Netscape.
> > Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
> > Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
>saver on
> > my
> > computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > Tech support: How may I help you?
> > Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> > Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
> > Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how
>do I get
> > the
> > circle around it?
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
>her
> > printer.
> > Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
> > Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
>point.
> > The
> > man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and
>his printer
> > is working fine."
> >
> >
> > ===============
> >
> >
> > And last but not least...
> >
> > Tech support:"Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
>keys at the
> > same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
>screen. Now
> > type
> > the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
> > Customer: I don't have a P.
> > Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
> > Customer: What do you mean?
> > Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
> > Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
>

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
>>>an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
>>>grabs
>>>his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts
>>>crying.
>>>
>>>"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver
>>>says. "I can't stand to see a man cry."
>>>
>>>"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
>>>"I can't do anything right.
>>> I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
>>>When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't
>>>have
>>>any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered
>>>my
>>>wallet was still in the cab.
>>>At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
>>>So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an
>>>end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in

the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink

from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass

into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that

we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws

his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so

many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with

the same ones twice."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>> >Subject: FW: when emails go wrong
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >An amazing story about an e-mail gone wrong.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
>>>a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
>>>where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
>>> >Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew
>>>to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The
>>>husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
>>>decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
>>> >However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail
>>>address and without realising his error, sent the e-mail.
>>> >Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from
>>>her husband's funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died.
>>The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from
>>>relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
>>>fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen
>>>which read:
>>> >To: My Loving Wife
>>> >Subject: I've Arrived
>>> >Date: October 16th 2004
>>> >I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
>>>here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
>>>arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
>>>for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
>>>journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>>> >P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing

home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him

... Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Darn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Conversation on a Plane

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion
s
3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls



AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:



51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:



54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food and beer

3. Hand over the remote.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either

>sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing

>behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and

>both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were

>to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are

>"limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the

>expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

>

>As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May

>and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads

>(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs

>made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would

>carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30

>minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big

>wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone

>appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

>

>In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one

>chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used

>for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while